Here's another cool response I received via email, posting here to share anonymously. Thanks so much:
Your reader and 'Jen' have virtually no relationship left, it seems. It simply hasn't worked for either of them for some time. Since the reader seems to be somewhat regretful (?) about that loss perhaps she could put it on the table with J. She could acknowledge the mess and see if J has any interest in revisiting and potentially salvaging something, or rebuilding. It would likely involve quite some work each way and probably be wisest to avoid the self recriminations of 'maybe I'm just a lousy friend'. ? That doesn't seem a viable base for a rebuild IMHO. Mutual acknowledgement of failings and hurt creation as well as hurt received would be more realistic and sustainable it seems to me, as a base for any rebuild. Or willingness to kindly part, carrying recognition of value received and kindly, realistic awareness that the times and circumstances may not be conducive to rebuilding of close connection.
I also find friendships fraught, especially as I realise my own developed trauma coping behaviours, feeling like I had a revolving door on my life, where people would walk in take what they need and walk out. This woman has communicated as best she can, but friendships are a two way street. If someone is not forthcoming it is sad, frustrating and hard to bear. We also never know what is going on in someones life, in their mind etc. and no matter how much questioning goes on, their own issues will impact on their ability to convey what they is needed in any balanced situation. For me, I try to be clear about myself and my requirements, transparency, mutuality, 2 way street, and so forth. That is where I am now. But I fully realise that not everyone is where I am at. I have done a lot of work on knowing myself and understanding myself, had to do it. Many people do not want to go there, and become reactive when shown clarity, are not open to and shut down when friendly questions are posed. Still experiencing challenges, right this very minute, with friends. I can only hold on to myself, be open to discussion, be kind even though angry/hurt. We try and that is probably all anyone can do. With an immoveable person opposite where to go next? I have no answers. I really feel for the woman who wrote the letter, she appears to have done as much as anyone possibly can. But all relationships hurt when they come to an end. So we lick our wounds, reflect, learn, and try to hold on to ourselves.
Here's another cool response I received via email, posting here to share anonymously. Thanks so much:
Your reader and 'Jen' have virtually no relationship left, it seems. It simply hasn't worked for either of them for some time. Since the reader seems to be somewhat regretful (?) about that loss perhaps she could put it on the table with J. She could acknowledge the mess and see if J has any interest in revisiting and potentially salvaging something, or rebuilding. It would likely involve quite some work each way and probably be wisest to avoid the self recriminations of 'maybe I'm just a lousy friend'. ? That doesn't seem a viable base for a rebuild IMHO. Mutual acknowledgement of failings and hurt creation as well as hurt received would be more realistic and sustainable it seems to me, as a base for any rebuild. Or willingness to kindly part, carrying recognition of value received and kindly, realistic awareness that the times and circumstances may not be conducive to rebuilding of close connection.
I also find friendships fraught, especially as I realise my own developed trauma coping behaviours, feeling like I had a revolving door on my life, where people would walk in take what they need and walk out. This woman has communicated as best she can, but friendships are a two way street. If someone is not forthcoming it is sad, frustrating and hard to bear. We also never know what is going on in someones life, in their mind etc. and no matter how much questioning goes on, their own issues will impact on their ability to convey what they is needed in any balanced situation. For me, I try to be clear about myself and my requirements, transparency, mutuality, 2 way street, and so forth. That is where I am now. But I fully realise that not everyone is where I am at. I have done a lot of work on knowing myself and understanding myself, had to do it. Many people do not want to go there, and become reactive when shown clarity, are not open to and shut down when friendly questions are posed. Still experiencing challenges, right this very minute, with friends. I can only hold on to myself, be open to discussion, be kind even though angry/hurt. We try and that is probably all anyone can do. With an immoveable person opposite where to go next? I have no answers. I really feel for the woman who wrote the letter, she appears to have done as much as anyone possibly can. But all relationships hurt when they come to an end. So we lick our wounds, reflect, learn, and try to hold on to ourselves.