Hello Everyone,
I want to throw this reader question to the Brains Trust.
When is there too much hurt for a friendship to be reparable? When must trust be declared lost?
Please tell me what you think, because to be honest, I’m not sure. I too have let a few friendships slide over the years and I’d love some opinions on this one. Like I wrote in my last post, I’ve done quite a bit of emotional intimacy avoidance throughout my life. I can see that and own it now.
But enough about me and back to the reader question. Here’s her letter:
I was close friends with Jen (not her real name) for years and she stuck by me through a very difficult divorce. In return, I helped her out financially and emotionally when she needed me. We were one of each other’s closest friends for about 15 years.
We always spent Christmas together, so I think of her a lot at this time of year. I miss her and I ask myself why we aren’t friends anymore. There was no actual bust-up between us, but we were on very different daily schedules, and our paths in life diverged over time. I felt our relationship slowly turned cooler and more distant, became unsupportive in subtle ways.
I had kids and she didn’t. I was married and she wasn’t. I worked days and she worked nights. I would try to interact and she would be withdrawn, stand-offish. I would call her and she wouldn’t sound interested in talking, instead hinting that I didn’t call often enough or at the right times, rather than being pleased to chat with me when I was available.
One of her fair complaints was that when I was travelling overseas for two weeks, I neglected to even tell her and she only found out from social media. I’m not sure why I didn’t tell her. Maybe I was just a lousy friend, obsessed with my own life, selfish. I won’t rule that out.
But, I did put in big efforts too, and they didn’t help. For example, my husband and I tried to help Jen sell her car, at her request. He put in a lot of time and effort listing her car online to her specifications and interacting with potential buyers. We kept her car garaged for her and his car out on the street for two months, just so hers would be absolutely pristine for inspections.
But Jen was in a withdrawn place and quite inflexible on her selling price. When we weren’t able to find a buyer after some weeks, she decided not to sell the car after all. I drove it the 40 minutes back to her, again thinking I was helping her out. I was puzzled and quietly miffed when Jen could barely manage a ‘thanks’.
Similar small messages that she was dissatisfied with anything I did gradually added up over many months until one night, coming from a hurt place, I’m ashamed to say, I blocked her on social media like a mean teenager.
Cringe, I know. I just didn’t want to face Jen anymore, feel like she was judging me as not-good-enough in almost every nothing interaction.
Ever since, I’ve felt regret and this happened in 2015! I texted Jen a sincere apology and attempted explanation in 2017.
She did not reply. I don’t think about her everyday now, but often enough, especially at Christmas.
Do you think I should write her a letter, try to contact her again, or let her go forever?
When is there too much time and water under a friendship bridge? When is the trust lost forever so there’s no turning back?
So that’s what we’ve got. Phew!
Like I said. Over to you readers. Have any of you had similar situations in life? If so, what happened? What do you think? What would you do?
Please share your thoughts. Thank you in advance.
Love to you,
Here's another cool response I received via email, posting here to share anonymously. Thanks so much:
Your reader and 'Jen' have virtually no relationship left, it seems. It simply hasn't worked for either of them for some time. Since the reader seems to be somewhat regretful (?) about that loss perhaps she could put it on the table with J. She could acknowledge the mess and see if J has any interest in revisiting and potentially salvaging something, or rebuilding. It would likely involve quite some work each way and probably be wisest to avoid the self recriminations of 'maybe I'm just a lousy friend'. ? That doesn't seem a viable base for a rebuild IMHO. Mutual acknowledgement of failings and hurt creation as well as hurt received would be more realistic and sustainable it seems to me, as a base for any rebuild. Or willingness to kindly part, carrying recognition of value received and kindly, realistic awareness that the times and circumstances may not be conducive to rebuilding of close connection.
I also find friendships fraught, especially as I realise my own developed trauma coping behaviours, feeling like I had a revolving door on my life, where people would walk in take what they need and walk out. This woman has communicated as best she can, but friendships are a two way street. If someone is not forthcoming it is sad, frustrating and hard to bear. We also never know what is going on in someones life, in their mind etc. and no matter how much questioning goes on, their own issues will impact on their ability to convey what they is needed in any balanced situation. For me, I try to be clear about myself and my requirements, transparency, mutuality, 2 way street, and so forth. That is where I am now. But I fully realise that not everyone is where I am at. I have done a lot of work on knowing myself and understanding myself, had to do it. Many people do not want to go there, and become reactive when shown clarity, are not open to and shut down when friendly questions are posed. Still experiencing challenges, right this very minute, with friends. I can only hold on to myself, be open to discussion, be kind even though angry/hurt. We try and that is probably all anyone can do. With an immoveable person opposite where to go next? I have no answers. I really feel for the woman who wrote the letter, she appears to have done as much as anyone possibly can. But all relationships hurt when they come to an end. So we lick our wounds, reflect, learn, and try to hold on to ourselves.