That’s one of the only images of me and my Dad from my childhood. It’s fuzzy and weird, which is really appropriate. We don’t have photos because we didn’t have much contact after that time.
Did that screw me up in trusting people later in close relationships? You betcha. I formed a very insecure attachment style in adult relationships. But, if you’ve read my memoir Lovelands already you’ll know all about that ; )
Attachment became something I work with as a therapist, helping people recognise the impacts of their earlier experiences good and bad, and how those experiences shape them now. It’s a significant part of therapy.
Therapist, Esther Perel said something like,
Show me how you were loved, and I’ll tell you what kind of a partner you’ll be.
There’s certainly something in that. The way we were loved as kids tends to play out in the way we love others as adults, especially in intimate relationships.
Our parents or close caregivers are the most influential people in shaping our comfort, or discomfort, with being close to others - something that psychologist John Bowlby called our Attachment Style.
One side of our attachment style is how we see other people, how emotionally safe we feel with other people generally. The other side of the equation is how comfortable we are with ourselves, whether we’re generally confident to relax and trust we’re good enough, or whether we tend to be defended and anxious in relationships. And yup, childhood relationships have a massive influence on all of that.
Long before you could talk, you started creating inner narratives, stories about the world, yourself, how funny, valuable, loveable, or interesting you are, through internalising your caregivers’ responses to you.
Growing children gradually move further from their caregivers, reaching out to explore the world and learn, regularly returning to the reassuring haven of their caregiver’s arms. Ideally, the distance they feel safe to move away, slowly increases over the months and years, until they reach adulthood and independence.
Our attachment style influences our partner choices, our level of comfort with intimacy, how safe we feel to be vulnerable in close relationships, even how we deal with conflict.
Recognizing your attachment style can shine light on your personal and relationship patterns, so you’re empowered to create and maintain fulfilling, connected relationships.
For example, if you learned from the cradle that people are basically available emotionally, that they come when you call out in fear and try to give you what you need, then you’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. You’ll probably have more confidence trusting others, asking for what you want and being vulnerable, than if you couldn’t consistently rely on others to support you and comfort you as your brain was developing.
About 60% of people have a secure attachment style. That means they generally feel confident and safe in close relationships and tend to balance having both independence and closeness to others.
The other 40% or so, have a less secure attachment style - of which there are two broad types called avoidant and anxious. There are sub-categories too, but it generally comes down to some people feeling insecure about emotional intimacy and grasping after it everywhere, (think Carrie in Sex and the City), and some people feeling insecure about emotional intimacy and running from it (think ‘Big’ or Samantha in Sex and the City).
The styles are not cut and dried, like most human things, they tend to be a spectrum rather than a hard or fast category. But, clearly if two insecurely attached people get together and one is anxious and one is avoidant, it’s not likely to be an easy time (think most of my relationships in my twenties!)
Avoidant/Dismissive Insecure Stylers
If you learned from childhood that people are unpredictable, that they make demands you don’t like, put conditions on love, or that they’re emotionally absent, frightening or abusive – then it follows you might struggle to trust, or may even tend to avoid very close relationships.
People with a dismissive or avoidant insecure attachment style may come across as unavailable or guarded when it comes to showing emotion and vulnerability, limiting closeness in relationships. They may be so wary of trusting others with their feelings that they prefer not to depend on others much at all. They may tend to distance or leave relationships if they get too close.
Anxious Insecure Stylers
The other broad type of insecure attachment, anxious or preoccupied, is just that. These people can be preoccupied with finding emotional safety, and long for closeness, reassurance and intimacy. But they may sometimes tend to see problems where there aren’t any, because they are so scared of being rejected or abandoned. They may make disappointing partner choices because their hunger leads them to be less discerning than would be ideal.
Regardless of attachment style, it’s frustrating to be restricted in your emotional freedom due to hurts and grief from long ago. If you can recognise patterns you seem to repeat, that hold you back from getting closer to others and sabotage your happiness in relationships, you’re a step closer to being able to make some changes.
How?
If you tend to be anxious and hungry for love it’s important to learn to soothe yourself and make calm, discerning partner choices, not grabbing the first available, only to regret it later. Choosing a partner with a secure attachment style can help you to feel safer if they show constancy and full acceptance of you, earning your trust.
Take your time in love. It’s ideal to choose somebody who is comfortable being emotionally open, not scared and shut down or evasive of emotional intimacy.
On the other hand, if you want a partner, but you tend to be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, therapy can help as a place to practice opening up and showing your emotional ‘belly’ in a safe environment. You can learn to take the risk of being more vulnerable and open to letting people know you deeply, if you want to.
The risk of closeness with others, the fear they might let you down, is less intense when you feel a core sense of comfort, connection, and security inside yourself. Work on that.
Work on making your own life more soothing and enjoyable for you, from your self-talk to how you spend your alone time. The more easy you are in your own skin, the easier you can connect with others authentically and closely.
Understanding where unhelpful patterns may have originated can also help you become more self-compassionate and create greater self awareness, so you can see your defences in action and make choices about how you want to be in relationships, rather than being on an old default setting.
Frequently in therapy, I travel back to look at the past with people so they can make sense of their struggles and stop criticising themselves for unknowingly repeating self-defeating behaviours. Awareness opens the door to emotional freedom.
Do you see the influence of your early relationships with parents or caregivers operating in your current close relationships?
Let’s talk about it in the comments, or message me.
The theme music to this piece is Dancing Barefoot, by the goddess known as Patti Smith.
It surprises me that 60 percent of people have secure attachment styles. Seems way higher than my own experience indicates. For me I’ve worked hard to get to a healthy place with this. Great comprehensive article.
Tackling this issue has been the greatest challenge of my 63 years. Incredible inciteful writing about this "problem "
If only I understood this years ago . Even now, being aware doesn't make finding a remedy any easier