Hello, from a cold summer. Cold summers are a little odd, but here we are. At least, it’ was good cosy reading weather this weekend.
You probably know how much I love a biography - how I just adore a real life story, appreciating the lessons and insights each person draws from their unique set of experiences. So after I finished reading Harry Wales’ (aka Prince Harry’s) Spare, which I talked about last week, I jumped right into the grittier American memoir of actress Mena Suvari, The Great Peace.
Wow.
Next, I smashed out a fast and easy read of the surprisingly enchanting Love, Pamela by actress, Playboy model and larger than life icon, Pamela Anderson. Again, wow.
It’s been fascinating to me, reflecting on the differences in how the three individuals have dealt with the pain and traumas they’ve faced, their rage at what they’ve endured, and the self-concepts that emerge in the way they tell their stories.
I’m talking about the feeling of Harry, Mena and Pam as story-tellers and their attitudes, conclusions and learnings from their experiences, as told in their own words. I was able to get a good sense of this through listening to each of them read their memoirs in their own words, as audio books. It’s a particularly rich, intimate and connected way to experience a memoir.
Mena forged an enviable, long and successful career in one of the most competitive industries around while an addict and a survivor of terrible and ongoing sexual abuse. Because she typically earned more than her partners from her almost constant roles in Hollywood movies, when her relationships ended, Mena tells how it was typically she, a young female abuse survivor who paid. It was Mena who ended up paying spousal support to much older ex-partners who pursued her for it, as if she owed them!
I was devastated to hear Mena speak of her relationship with a deeply abusive partner, where she fell completely under his influence, living a double life where her work was her safer place. That being said, she also described some very creepy encounters with co-star Kevin Spacey during the filming of American Beauty. Did this young woman have any safe place? I marvelled sadly…
Mena even describes colluding in her sex-addict partner’s abuse, enduring it because she could not see her way clear to believing she could have peace and happiness. This was despite the fact that her star was rising in Hollywood and her work was loved by millions.
Such is the power of a self-concept born of an abuse history.
As I listened to Mena, the thought that kept running through my head was How the hell did this girl, this woman, not only live through all she survived, but become a star while coping with it all?
The tone, the feeling I experienced from Mena in sum, was a sense that she was wildly, incredibly strong, but she shouldn’t have had to tough that shit out. I’m outraged at what she endured.
Pamela too, experienced multiple instances of sexual abuse and grew up with family violence. Somehow she retained her vulnerability and hopefulness. She apparently never made a dime from the famous stolen cut-up sex video of her and her husband - a video that made millions for the thieves and their distributors.
The impression that I overwhelming took from listening to Pamela’s memoir was that she is not a victim, despite all that’s been perpetrated against her. Like Prince Harry she’s suffered chronic paparazzi abuse, fake news and shaming in the media for decades, but Pamela comes across as an incredible survivor who has not let the rage harden her. She channels it into activism, to speak for those with no voice. Think of her what you will, judge her career and her brand of feminism if you like, lots of people have. But Pamela appears to have transcended any sense of victimhood and that is noteworthy for a person who has lived the life she describes.
Pamela talked about how she wished her sexual-abuser dead when she was a child, only for the person to die shortly afterwards in a car accident. She spoke of how heavy it was to carry the fear and shame throughout her childhood that she had somehow wished someone to death. While a heavy and terrible belief, psychologist-me couldn’t help wondering if that belief also contributed to her unconsciously conceptualising herself as very, very powerful. Nobody’s victim.
I was also astonished by Pamela’s complete absence of self-pity in her telling of her story. Incidentally, it blew me away that she talked about love being a ‘quality of attention’, something I wrote in my book Lovelands in 2017. She also speaks about being the hero of her own life story, something I wrote a whole book about during the COVID lockdowns, called How to be Your Own Hero. Didn’t see that connection coming, but love it.
So, it all had me thinking, what helps people who have been abused form a self-concept where they know they are the heroine or hero of their own life story? Why do some people remain caught up in a narrative of themselves as victim, yet others simply do not accept that self-concept?
Two main things for me, that shine through the three stories I’ve mentioned here. The first is that often, people feel like victims until their healing is done, then they don’t see themselves that way anymore. The healing can take many forms but typically involves a sense of feeling authentically re-empowered, then victimhood can become obsolete
How?
It isn’t necessarily easy but it is very possible and will vary across individuals - it usually involves how you manage the rage of having been victimised - whether you let it turn into shame and resentment that eats at you, or instead let it fuel your creative, loving fire. Do you use your experiences to destroy or to create?
Mena, Pamela and all the less well-known survivors out there - I take off my hat to you and bow deeply to your courage. I only wish you hadn’t had to find it to respond to abuses that never, never should have happened.
This week I want to offer therapeutic stepping stone exercises that lead from a place of feeling broken, to seeing yourself as the heroine or hero of your own life story, however flawed.
As always, therapy is indicated for those with a mental illness, who need face to face support, or for anyone who is struggling. Don’t struggle alone.
That being said, these ideas are powerful additions to any treatment program and great DIY self-development in their own right. I call this multi-phase emotional intelligence exercise Creating Your Emotional Fitness Playbook. This week’s stuff is focussed on healthy emotional management which supports our relationship with our own thoughts and feelings, and with others.
Your Emotional Fitness Playbook
A playbook usually refers to a meticulously thought-out compilation of plans and alternatives that a sports team uses to strategize their game play.
You know - If this scenario happens - here are some flowcharts of potential moves and positions, so we’re ready with strategies, alternative choices and fallback plans, which we've practiced and over-learned, so we can access them fast, under pressure.
It's standard practice to plan strategies and alternate plays for sports, business negotiations, games and other tasks – considering the possible scenarios that might arise and brainstorming options, even updating what works and what tends to go wrong, on the spot. However, it's less common to consciously make choices about our emotional expression and patterns of behaviour in personal relationships. And to me that doesn’t make a lot of sense.
How come it’s common-sense to lay out plays and ideas for sports and physical fitness, but not for the inner core of our existence - our mental and emotional fitness? If it were normal practice, there's a big chance that psychologists would have a lot less work. When you have some skills, strategies and back up plans at your disposal, you feel more confident, clear, less anxious, and more capable, especially when life plays hardball.
Emotional fitness isn’t about stopping difficult emotions, it’s about feeling them and developing supportive strategies inside yourself and around you, to help your emotions move safely; to keep you emotionally free in good times and difficult times. It’s about having your intellect and your emotions working together, balancing each other. Then, whatever life dishes out - the good and the bad, the obvious or the unexpected, you have a healthy and effective set of moves to empower your decisions. I’ll show you what I mean.
CREATING YOUR PLAYBOOK
The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation.
John Dewey
For this emotional intelligence work you must be honest with yourself about how you typically tend to behave and express yourself when you’re feeling certain emotions and how well your usual choices work for your relationships. You may have to dig deep and own stuff about yourself you don’t necessarily like, because you can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.
Now I know there's the 'heat of the moment' excuse and 'you just feel how you feel' and all the reasons why not to do this work around examining and improving emotional management:
“Emotions are too uncontrollable, too random… I can’t help it. I just see red!”
“It's too difficult to know what's coming, how can I be mindful?”
“I'll never remember what to do, in the moment of something coming at me!”
And yet, isn't it taken for granted that excuses like those are meaningless in the sporting arena? It's expected that you must plan plays, practice, and execute your strategies, even though the other team’s plays are unknown and random to you.
Life and relationships are the same, only with higher stakes – there’s more to lose than a trophy if you don’t give them all you’ve got. You must put in planning and drills to become nimble, fast, and adaptable, to employ thoughtful skills under shifting, challenging and unpredictable conditions.
Soooooo...let's do it. Get out your Playbook and let’s start with one of the most misunderstood, misused and most powerful of emotions: Anger.
Step One: The List
Write down all your usual ways of expressing anger, being honest with yourself. You don't need to show anyone or feel ashamed. This is only for you. And you can come back to this over time to build on your reflections if the answers don’t come to you right away. This is long-term, evolving stuff, work always in progress.
Write out all your usual ‘plays’ (ways you handle and express your anger) without any censorship. You might find some ways you tend to show anger in specific circumstances are different from how you express it at other times, or in other relationships. For example, are you cool as a cucumber no matter what happens at work, but always blowing up at the kids at home and regretting it later, feeling like a horrible parent?
If so, add some subheadings like work, family, kids, sport etc. Include stuff you're not proud of if they are your genuine sometime plays. By becoming aware of it you can decide to change it. Denial keeps you stuck.
This is an extremely helpful self-reflection exercise, because if your self-examination reveals to you that you can remain calm, compassionate, cool and emotionally intelligent in one scenario that means you can choose to bring that same self-management skill-set to the rest of your life.
Your list might look something like this:
Common ‘plays’ when I feel angry:
• I yell and name-call
• I become sarcastic and mean
• I hit the wall and hurt my hands
• I sound calm and ‘nice’ but I say ‘clever’, mean things
• I sulk and hold it in
• I write it all out
• I punch a punching bag at the gym
• I tell somebody I trust how I'm feeling
• I eat all the sugar in the house
• I shut myself in a room numb out on snacks and Netflix
• I go for a run
• I take the dog out for a long beach walk
When I’m angry at work:
• I bitch to my co-workers about the boss
• I take extra breaks and slack off
• I eat chocolates
When I’m angry at my partner:
• I think about it (stew on it) until they ask what’s wrong
• I withhold something from them E.g., humor, coffee, warmth, sex
• I tune out and ignore them
• I go for a drive without telling them where I am
Step Two: Reflection
Really think about each item on your lists, one by one. How might you have learned to express anger in some of those ways? Think about where you might have seen that kind of expression of anger, as a child, or in more recent times. Who else does that?
Can you identify the figures from your childhood who modelled to you what angry looked and felt like? Perhaps they taught you to be angry their way or, maybe their anger taught you how you did not want to behave. Remember how you felt when they expressed their anger like that, maybe leading to you ‘walking on eggshells’, feeling disconnected from them, being unimpressed by them, confused, or resentful of them.
The point is to become aware of whether you’re emulating unhelpful expressions of anger, not realizing you can make other choices and consciously improve your communication. Acting out emotions, especially anger, against others is not a long-term winning play. It tends to make others distrust you and want to disconnect if you consciously try to make them suffer. Sure, you might get compliance in the short-term from dysfunctional plays, but is that worth the cost to the overall long-term ‘flavour’ of your relationship?
For some people, their experiences taught them that anger was bad and shouldn’t be felt or expressed at all. This can lead to acting out anger in very passive, obscure ways, which can get everyone confused and tangled up.
Can you identify any ways you act out your anger and make things more complex, rather than dealing with it more openly and efficiently so everyone knows where they stand? Openness usually leads to clearer communication and finding solutions to issues more efficiently. You don’t have to dig through all the posturing to get to the core communication and needs being expressed.
If you’re unsure about how you express anger, reflect on specific incidents or times when you were angry. Think about what happened, how you felt inside, how you reacted on the outside, even how you felt afterwards.
Keep coming back and adding to your lists as you think of more incidents or insights. (The Playbook is an active, ever-evolving reference).
Step Three: Dumping Old Patterns that Aren’t Working
Once you have your list, an honest list, go through it with a red pen or similar and put a cross through any ‘plays’ (expressions) that don't fit your values – that don't reflect who you want to be in your life, or are not the kind of behaviors you respect in a person.
Also cross out the ones that you know upset or hurt others, because those are destructive to your relationships and therefore, not working, even if they get compliance. There may be clues to this in the feedback others have given you when you’ve expressed anger. E.g., Do they tell you they’re afraid, shocked, accepting, amused, or affronted when you’re angry around them?
Are there commonalities in the responses you get from other people when you’re angry, patterns that show certain plays are ineffective? Cross out all the ones you don’t want to engage in because they feel inauthentic, mean or incongruent with how you would like people to remember you in years to come.
Which expressions of anger have hurt you more than they helped you, leaving you feeling worse? This probably includes plays you’ve had to apologize for repeatedly, plays that tend to lose you respect or warmth in your relationships.
Which ones are clearly acting out, trying to upset, punish, frighten, play victim, or irritate the other person? Which plays are really trying to get back at them or take things out on them, rather than expressing your feeling more directly?
Don’t worry if you don't have many plays left after crossing off the list like this. We don't tend to teach people healthy, non-damaging emotional expression like we teach academic and sporting skills. It can take some re-learning and recalibration in how you choose to express yourself as you grow in your emotional awareness and let love, more than anything, be your guiding star.
Step Four: Formulating Alternate Plays
Finally, let’s brainstorm some alternative plays for expressing anger when it’s with you that do not hurt you or anyone else, that don’t cause you to dislike yourself or damage your relationships, and that feel authentically in tune with your values.
Hopefully, there are some items remaining on your first list, after the cull. If not, that’s OK. Start fresh with a new list on a new page, you might call it Positive Anger Expression.
I’ll give you some options for a kick start. Add the plays that sound authentic and useful to you personally:
Most people find that talking to someone about how they’re feeling is a way to release some of the pressure of strong emotions. You can ask them not to comment until you’re finished, not to judge you, or try to solve your problems, just to LISTEN and let you get some perspective before they say anything. Or, if you want to work out an issue with them, tell them how you feel respectfully, and ask for their collaboration with resolving the source of your anger.
Physical activities where you expend energy strongly and healthily are great for expressing anger. E.g., Hitting a ball, throwing stuff (that has no value and does no harm), chopping wood, punching a bag, kicking a bag, going for a fast walk or run, dancing to loud music or jumping rope.
Some of the most effective cleaning you can do is rage cleaning around the house. Just take care not to act out your anger on other household members if they’re around. Tell them what you’re doing and what it’s about, so they’re not caught up in collateral distress, trying to mind-read you and get out of your way!
Creative/artistic tasks are powerful ways to express yourself. For example, writing out your feelings, dancing, painting or drawing how you feel.
Whacking your bed or couch can be cathartic.
Yelling in a parked car with the windows up (so as not to alarm anyone) is also a classic for expressing some anger.
Add to your healthy expression plays as you think of new ones. Then it’s all about practicing those new ways until they become second nature.
When you’ve worked through the anger section of the Playbook, gradually work through other emotions like sadness, anxiety, fear and avoidance. Ask yourself the same kinds of questions, for example,
“What do I usually do when I’m scared of confronting something, scared of speaking out, scared of being alone?”
Just as you did with anger, move through your list and evaluate which behaviours help and support or protect you more than they diminish things you value, like your freedom, your confidence, your contentment, your relationships. Reflect on where you might have learned to express yourself in each of those ways and whether they work for you, or whether they’re ineffective and damaging, but were simply all you knew, until now.
Keep your helpful plays and delete the plays that probably do more harm than good to you or your relationships. Finally, imagine and list more helpful ways to express fear, anxiety, sadness, or whatever emotion you are working on.
For example, for sadness:
• I could imagine how I’d comfort a friend and then choose to speak to myself in the same way when I’m down.
• I could lower my expectations of myself for a day, just take a long walk, followed by a long bath.
Your Emotional Fitness Playbook is your unique manual for taking care of yourself and your relationships in deep, core ways. Be your own most knowledgeable guide and coach and keep updating it as you learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and your loves.
Then, practice what you say you’ll do, until it becomes second nature. This work is at the heart of embodying your heroine, or hero-self.
DEEPENING YOUR PLAYBOOK
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to get to my destination.
James Dean
Growing your awareness of what supports you emotionally, and what typically takes you down, is important for growing your self-care and resilience. Your Playbook can serve as a Mental Health Support Plan for challenging times, devised by you when you’re feeling good and thinking clearly, for when you’re not.
A Mental Health Support Plan is a consciously created plan for when you’re flat or distressed (I'm not talking about if you are in danger when the thing to do is to call an emergency service). This is a plan for looking after yourself when you’re not feeling great, so you’ve always got ideas ready for bolstering your resilience.
There’s no one-size-fits-all model for emotional first aid, it comes down to knowing yourself, but here are some headings to work through to deepen your Playbook further and help brainstorm a raft of supportive emotional-management strategies for tough times.
My Vulnerabilities and ‘Triggers’
We each bring our constellation of wounds and strengths to life and our relationships. The mark of a great relationship often comes down to how well the people in the relationship support each other’s vulnerabilities, rather than inadvertently setting each other off into defensive spirals. How do you know if your old ‘stuff’, the wounds you bring, are being triggered in a relationship?
A clue lies in the intensity of your reactions – whether your responses often feel overly charged, like there's consistently more drama than there needs to be.
If when small things happen you react in a big way - that's a sign there's some other feelings, from your past experiences or assumptions, joining the battle.
Acknowledging your personal vulnerabilities and devising clearly defined ‘go-tos’ when you’re struggling, is an important part of being your own heroine. We each have our vulnerabilities, emotional scars, and anxieties - I call them raw spots, because that's how they feel sometimes, painful and unhealed. How consciously and compassionately we deal with our raw spots, makes a profound difference to our relationships, and our lives.
Consider the things that press your buttons, for example:
• I’m scared of conflict
• I can’t handle being criticized
• I get anxious about long separations
• I worry about being left out
Note your Raw Spots in your Playbook. Write a little about each one, including how you feel when that raw spot is touched on in a relationship and how you tend to behave when that happens.
With self-awareness, when you feel a raw spot being activated, you can choose to breathe, slow down the conversation and notice how you’re feeling. You can be understanding, compassionate and soothing to yourself, rather than flying off the handle at the other person.
If you react defensively, you tend to stop listening to the other’s message and focus on blocking and deflecting instead, protecting your raw spots, entering fight mode. Finding solutions is side-lined.
What plays can you go to for saving yourself, or refusing to be triggered in various scenarios you regularly encounter in life?
For example, a vulnerability of mine is becoming anxious and dwelling on tragic things I hear in the news. Watching a news bulletin can badly take down my mood and have a negative impact on my day.
So, knowing that, I consciously choose not to watch TV or internet news because I find it anxiety-provoking and disempowering. When a news item interests me, I’ll look it up rather than have it all beaming into my feeds willy-nilly, unnecessarily disturbing my emotional equilibrium.
Supportive Resources
It’s great to keep notes in your Playbook of supportive books, mindfulness apps, and any resource you hear about and want to check out, that offer mental health and emotional support and information. Keeping headphones at hand, not just for music, but to listen to mindfulness practices on your favorite app is also a good everyday mental health strategy.
Remembering What’s Good in Your World
When you aren’t feeling brilliant, it’s nice to turn to a page in your Playbook or journal where you’ve written out all the good things about your life. Keep your list updated and relevant.
It can be a significant mood-booster to remember that there is plenty of good stuff still there for you when you don’t feel great.
Supportive People to Reach Out To
Finally, keep it high in your self-care priorities to talk to someone when you're not feeling great. If you tend to go within and withdraw, make reaching out an important adjustment. Balance me-time with connecting with others, to keep you from getting lost in your inner world. It's vital to keep the inner and outer worlds well connected and flowing together, rather than disconnecting from one or the other.
Your Playbook is for keeping your emotional support stuff together, gathering resources and tools for your heroine or hero self to be increasingly empowered to rise whenever you need her. Your Playbook is your emotional operational manual and reference book. It’s an alive and evolving document. More on this down the track.
Love to you.
The soundtrack to writing this piece was some Neil Young.