If you absolutely can’t stay positive, don’t go negative, just cruise in neutral for a while until you can get back up.
Terri Guillemets
Hello friends,
I love that quote from Terri Guillemets, and I’ve lived by that sentiment for a long time. The idea of going into neutral in my self-talk, just pausing the negative inner-blabbering when I don’t feel positive towards myself or my situation, has been sanity-saving for me.
I’ve never been into affirmations or throwing sunshine at my Inner Critic. She’s too smart and street-wise to fall for it. I actually cringe at off-the-shelf perky thinking. It smacks of lying to myself. It feels unrealistic, alien, unworkable and not my style.
What works for me, and for many of my patients, is to focus primarily on moderating my unhelpful self-talk when any level of cheer-leading myself feels fake and nauseating (which it usually does).
To shortcut knowing what to say to myself, when my thoughts take on dark or just bloody unhelpful tones, I’ve gradually curated a set of personal mantras to pull myself into a better place.
If you're not familiar with mantras, they're words to focus on and repeat (silently or aloud), that we consciously invest with the power to influence our actions or perspective. Because you repeat them to yourself intentionally, mantras are more likely to influence your mind and awareness than passing conversations.
Having your own personal supportive mantras, some pre-prepared self-talk to lovingly shake yourself when you need it, is smart emotional management. A supportive mantra isn’t for blocking out other thoughts or going into a rap battle against yourself. As I see it, it’s more of a gentle subversive push-back against spiralling downwards, outsmarting the darkness.
To devise your own supportive mantras, think of times when you’ve comforted and supported others, or when someone has helped and encouraged you and it’s been particularly effective.
Think about words that feel nurturing to you, or that have enough power to shake you from a spiral of unhelpful thoughts.
Simple examples might be:
· Thanks, but no thanks (addressing your Inner Critic). Not helpful.
· That’s just fear/panic – you’ve got this (insert your name).
· You’ve done harder things than this, like (insert personal victory).
· You can do this. Just do one little piece at a time.
There will likely be resistance to any changes you try to make if, like me, you have a strong Inner Critic. That’s OK.
When your Inner Critic pipes up, tell her she’s had her say. She’s one ‘voice’, not the only one. You can also have a warm, strong friend voice in your self-talk, if you want to.
Here’s some of my favourite supportive self-talk phrases, or mantras - without an overly-sunny tone to piss me off.
Take any that feel good to you:
Are you going to be the heroine of your own life story, or would you like to leave that role for somebody else?
My favourite quote of all time. I carry it in my purse on a tatty, scrawled note.
2. Ok, thank you! (Interrupting my Inner Critic). That’s enough. Sit down.
My second most used mantra (keep reading for the one on top rotation).
3. Just do 10 minutes.
My procrastination-busting mantra. If after 10 minutes I’m going OK, then I keep going. If not, at least I’ve given it a red-hot 10 minute go.
4. It is what it is.
When a situation is tough - start by accepting what you’re dealing with - even if it’s shit. Then just have a go.
5. Breathe. Just breathe.
The top mantra in my life. Taking that moment to breathe helps me find clarity and make a better choice.
6. Drop shoulders, lengthen through the crown of the head.
From my yoga teacher days. Lifting up your posture even subtly, can help you feel stronger and more capable.
7. I’ve got this.
The classic. Mainly use it for lifting weights.
8. Remember who you are.
Meaning, I am an embodied consciousness with choices, not a powerless victim. It keeps me identifying with the heroine in me.
9. I am more than just my thoughts and feelings in any given moment.
This is the Mindfulness 101 core mantra.
10. Let's slow this down.
To think it through and breathe, rather than freeze in overwhelm or strike out and regret later.
11. I can do hard things.
All credit to Glennon Doyle for this simple, self-talk gem.
12. The past can’t be changed, but I can do things differently from here.
It’s a mantra for when you’re ruminating on regrets or mistakes.
What words give strength or support to you when you need it?
I would love to add to this collection, so please share any personal mantras that help you with me and other readers.
Also, send questions. If you want to.
The background music for today’s post was this Sophie B Hawkins on repeat. I know it’s been my writing background song for other posts before…It’s because I always loved dramatic lyrics like escaping a ‘twisted cage’.
In the video, Sophie’s 90’s super sexy intensity is gorgeous and who can go past a performer throwing themselves on the floor in genuine passion and commitment to a lyric? Nineties Goddess.
Love to you,