This week’s letter is so real and relatable. Let’s help her.
Deb,
I’m back in contact with an unavailable lover again, on the same old stupid rollercoaster at my end.
The anxiety has been unbearable for the last few days and my self soothing/ distracting is very short lived in effect.
These are things I want to say to him:
I shouldn't have to beg you to see me. I'm so ashamed that this is what I did today. I begged for your attention. I begged because nothing else I tried seemed to be enough. I begged because I desperately want you near me. I begged because you're never available and yet these past few days, you could have been. You could have made time, you seemed to make time for other activities and other people. But not me.
Why not me?
You said you hoped to see me. We set upon a day but as usual, something else came up. You were literally minutes from me but you didn't stop.
Over time I've lowered my expectations again and again. I tried to show you I understood your general situation and circumstances meant that nothing long term, conventional or exclusive was possible. We both seemed to agree that that shouldn't mean we can't make the most of now.
I hate that I crave you physically to such a degree that I can't imagine feeling that same strength of connection anywhere else. Since we met, nothing else came close for the sense of immersion and being lost in the intensity of experience. The fact that that energy exists and I can't have it anywhere near enough is aching. The compatibility on the sexual level is extremely good as we've discussed - and for me horribly addictive.
This doesn't seem to be enough for you to not seek out other people which wouldn't hurt so much if I was receiving enough attention myself. But I was crushed when you told me you were going on a holiday with other friends for a couple of weeks. I can't even get you to my house for an hour.
I went flat. My whole demeanour shifted for a time and I was trying to deal with being faced with how little I mean to you. You didn't seem to notice. Or maybe you did.
My body was screaming internally. Then somehow we moved back into light chat during which my hopes for a meeting were again raised.
These last few days were me swinging between the excitement of you saying okay, I'll stop by/ actually maybe/ I'll try/ if I can/ I'm considering it, and the deep, sharp, draining, painful anxiety of waiting for the yes that never came.
And desire. The desire I couldn't shake when I woke up today. The need. For his body specifically.
I worked out at the gym. Meditated.
Came home and texted, then proceeded to distract myself with all sorts of things.
It's almost 5pm. He hasn't answered.
I feel so emotional. Humiliated. Angry. Rejected.
Again. Rejected. Again. Rejected. Again.
I'm nothing. I'm nobody. I'm an option when there's nothing else to do. I'm on standby. A crumb maiden. I'm a name at the bottom of a list. A convenience. Break glass in an emergency.
I want to message him now. I want him to know I can't stop crying and I want him to hold me close.
I know I'm better than this. I know I'm worth more. I know he is completely undeserving. I know I have to let go. I know how difficult this is going to be for me and I know that it doesn't make sense.
I know that much of this has been driven by my recently recognised tendency to live in fantasy/ limerence. Until a couple of months ago, I didn't realise how much time I spend in a daydreaming state and how abnormal it is. Once I understood this to be the case I started catching myself and I was making an effort to be aware enough to not think about him.
Focus on other things. Not looking for a replacement or going on dating apps. Just trying to exist without putting energy into trying to find someone to love me or fill in the hole inside or heal the wound or whatever the fuck I have been trying to do for years.
But eventually I let him pull me back without much effort. A bit more contact over the last few weeks. I started to trust him again when he called me, but no. He has the time for other people and things he talks about.
He says he’ll call or ring and I wait all day, keeping busy, telling myself I’m not waiting, consumed with anxiety, but the day slowly passes with me becoming more and more desolate, and there is no call, no text, no excuses, just nothing.
What to think? What to do?
Dear You,
First of all, how incredibly well said by you.
You really expressed what it is to feel so let down and abandoned by someone you are longing for, and wow, do I ever feel for you. I think everyone who reads this will really understand where you’re coming from. Most of us have been there at least once, if not a few times…
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now. I also know that you are going to be so fine, so good on the other side of this thing because you have great insight. It’s hard for you to believe that, while you’re going through it all, so just trust me until you believe it for yourself - you are absolutely going to be OK again. This will pass.
I want to reassure you that I remember one time of these feelings so very. very well. It was a birthday, not sure which birthday, as it’s a while ago and probably one I’d rather forget. But I haven’t forgotten that intensity of yearning.
I believed I was in love with someone I thought of as a rockstar, although he was just a guy - a completely emotionally unavailable guy, but very good at incredible brief intimate moments, before running off again. I had him on a massive pedestal, giving him so much power in my life. He knew that and played to it because it must have felt nice being so worshipped and wanted. So he kept giving me just enough incredibly delicious crumbs to keep me coming back when he called, spacing those calls just close enough together to not lose me completely.
He was magnetic, intensely attractive and special to me at the time, and I thought of him as epitomising all that I found desirable in a lover. I don’t see him that way at all looking back, but I remember my desire to be with him, to have any attention at all from him, was overwelming. I would have crossed seas for him. He wouldn’t have crossed the road for me!
Longing for someone who doesn’t return the feeling is unfortunately a normal, agonising experience that most of us humans go through at some point in our lives. It hurts so much and it absolutely sucks, but you do get through it and generally look back in wonder that you were so caught up in someone who just wasn’t there with you.
Why is this happening?
That’s the question we wrestle with, isn’t it? Why do I let myself become so absorbed in someone who isn't returning that same interest in me? What habits or beliefs are allowing me to find myself in this situation time and time again? What do I gain, or what am I defending myself from, by becoming so enthralled by unavailable individuals?
There are a range of possible answers and maybe more than one of them has some truth or resonance in it for you. Understanding and full acceptance of accountability for what we’re doing is the first step in inviting change, so…
There can be an unconscious desire to win the challenge of ‘making’ someone who doesn’t seem interested in you adore you - winning them over against all odds, therefore proving yourself to be attractive and powerful. How desperate are we to feel a power restoration when we feel so low?
There can also be the entrenched but unspoken belief in us that an agonising, unrequited love is somehow romantic and gives life excitement and urgency - the kind of heightened emotional pull that we fear an easier, more equal relationship might not:
Wanting something so desperately can make a person feel alive or like a hero in an epic love story—so much so that they unintentionally lean into the feelings and the valorizing narrative of unrequited love. It makes for a very complex experience - chasing something painful.
Alicia Munoz, Therapist.
Then, there are our emotional defense mechanisms. We can be attracted to partners who are not truly available as a defense against intimacy from our own side. We’re choosing people who we know cannot give us deep commitment or love for various reasons, because a part of us is too scared to go there.
Of course, this defense mechanism is self-defeating because while it protects us from going too deep into closeness due to our own anxiety about intimacy, it also stops us from having the kind of relationship another part of us might crave. It sets us up for cycles of disappointment. It can also be rough on the self-esteem as you expressed in your letter - we start asking ourselves why me, or rather why not me, when it comes to real love?
It has a lot more to do with partner choice than with there being anything wrong with you - choosing him is getting in the way of you having the kind of relationship you desire. It is possible to find a partner who is a best friend and still sexy too. I believe it’s so important to go for that when dating - to try to make a friend you also think is hot. A big part of the definition of friendship for me, is that you know they will make time for you, they prioritise you, they want to hang out together as much as you do, on the regular.
To find that, it’s good to slow things down and let friendship develop, get to like and know each other non-sexually before going there, to build up some trust. It’s so risky for a battered sense of self-esteem to throw everything at someone too quick, before they’ve earned your trust.
Have a clear idea as you befriend potential partners, of what is likely to get in the way of forming the kind of relationship with them that you ultimately desire. Finish it early and quickly if you see those signs of unavailability appearing, or their interest in you seems lower than your interest in them. I mean signs like they are slow or reticent to communicate on a regular basis, they express different desires to you for a relationship, they don’t prioritise you - they don’t act like a friend would. Red. Flag. Self-esteem kicker. End it.
Of course it’s super hard to give up on an infatuation - but it’s generally not a matter of whether you do, but when. When is that enough pain over someone who isn’t there for you? When do you want to rule off on him?
If you need a bit more motivation to see this for what it is and let it go, here’s something from author Greg Behrendt:
“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never too busy to go after what they want.”
And, in case you need to hear it again - of course you do - this is not about who you are or who you are not - this is about incompatibility and unavailability in a partner for reason or reasons unknown. As performer Dita von Teese is quoted as saying -
“You can be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the world but there’s always gonna be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”
Unrequited longing (it isn’t love most of the time, it’s yearning) of course has more to do with things we are yearning to feel inside ourselves, more to do with wanting to love ourselves the way that arsehat loves themselves. It is a yearning to feel a sense of our own power surging like we feel theirs surging, to pay attention to ourselves the way we are paying attention to them.
The attention we are longing to feel is ultimately our own self-compassion and self-acceptance. Chasing after people who are unavailable leads us away from self-care instead of towards making our own heart happy, so it is a self-perpetuating unhelpful cycle. Let. Him. Go. Beautiful. He has shown you where he’s at. You just have to accept it.
Don’t be hard on you for how you feel, don’t bother with boring ol’ shame too long. Here’s a reminder of some other absolute Godesses who’ve felt it too, like Beyoncé, Sophie Hawkins and yeah baby, Joan Jett, guitar goddess, my personal favourite. They are my soundtrack to this article.
Enjoy and dance. Please dance. Keep dancing back into your power.
Need more? Still not convinced? I know, I know, here’s more from Greg Behrendt, he wrote a whole book about this because he was sick of seeing gorgeous women wasting their time and energy on unrequited yearning:
“What I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds.
You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”
Did you hear that? I love that. It’s true.
Let today be the day you turn to yourself with all the love you deserve, and think of you the way you want him to think of you. Treat yourself the way you want him to treat you. Refuse to put energy into black holes any longer.
How can you pour more love, kindness, compassion and rewards into your life in ways that you have control over - that don’t require a lover? Don’t require him?
You write well, you have great insight. What projects have you been wanting to start? Where have you been wanting to go? Who wants to see you as much as you want to see them? They are your people right now. Focus on them.
You are so normal and so unique too. You’ve got this. Keep dancing. We feel you. Let us know how you go. We’re all cheering you on.
Love to you.
If you’d like to send in a question to be answered anonymously here, please do: drdebracampbell@substack.com
There’s a few in the queue, but I will get there!