The Ten Percent Less Anxious Diaries (3)

There's a good place for anger

Whenever I have a patient come to see me about generalised anxiety (that pervasive anxiety that doesn't necessarily seem attached to obvious circumstances) we start broadly, zooming in to explore contributing factors if they appear.

We're not necessarily looking for a causative trauma or influence, although sometimes they are apparent. We're feeling around in their heart and mind by talking together, for emotions unexpressed, not fully accepted or understood, for situations and relationships in which important things may remain unsaid or unprocessed. That is a common cause of non-specific anxiety.

Sometimes a patient unearths anger at themselves, frustrations with life or rage at injustices and hurts. A deep part of them may be fearing experiencing uncomfortable feelings like anger and they’ve been unconsciously holding it at bay.

They may have judged anger as a bad feeling and pushed it down, so it bubbles unseen and unheard, even to themselves. Anxiety often grows when holding back emotions starts to fail and the feared, uncomfortable emotion threatens to bubble to the surface.

The anxiety may be an unconscious smokescreen, distracting us from that which we fear more, by dominating our attention with an onslaught of scary thoughts and sensations. It’s worth considering the possibility that anxiety may often (not always) be a secondary condition, masking other feelings that are deeply uncomfortable and have been pushed down for some time; things like rage, injustice, resentment, anger, hurt, grief and despair.

If this is the case, facing held-down emotions can provide relief that takes the sting from anxiety's tail. It's not a simple or magical cure but this understanding can be the beginning of the demystification of generalized anxiety, which can make it less scary and more comprehensible.

When unwanted strong feelings simmer for a long time because we're avoiding them, anxiety can come from a deep, barely conscious knowing, that the avoidance is unsustainable.

Sometimes, anxiety is a generalized fear and dread that can’t be pinned down to one thing. Imagine anxiety like a decoy that runs out of the house in a panic, waving its arms, getting you to follow it into the woods, increasingly terrified of the dark unknowns. As you get caught up in the breathless terror, anxiety is keeping you away from having to look at what was actually back in the house.

So, fear of feeling or expressing emotions like anger or sadness can lead to unconsciously walling them off from your awareness, shrouding them in a fog of anxiety. It isn’t on purpose. It’s a misguided defense that doesn’t resolve the core emotions and keeps you in anxiety indefinitely. Therefore, a potentially useful question to ask yourself when you are in a general state of anxiety is:

If there was something in this situation, I was angry about - what would it be?

Your answer starts the process of drilling down, beneath amorphous, mysterious fear, or a debilitating smokescreen of panic attacks, towards potential clues to the heart of your fears.

Even if your answer doesn't offer much information straight away, asking the question can call anxiety's bluff and help you open to the possibility of greater understanding emerging over time.

Anger directed helpfully can be healing. It can make you feel stronger, energized, awaken your inner heroine or hero to fight for what you want and how you want to feel.

Generally, the best ways to redirect anger involve a sport or an art - finding something you like that allows for some physical and/or emotional expression. Approach it with an intention of channelling your emotions through your chosen activity, dispersing the anxiety you’ve been experiencing.

All you have to ensure is that your chosen method of expressing your anger or sadness isn’t harmful to yourself or any other being. Make sure it’s safe and give it all you’ve got. It’s highly likely you will immediately start to experience a lessening of anxiety and frustration and an increased sense of empowerment in your emotional life.

Send me any questions you might have.

Love to you,