Hello my friend,
I hope your busy holiday season is feeling good. Today’s Deb Does Therapy newsletter is the last of this year and it’s about managing panic and anxiety.
The world keeps getting more complex despite our brains having changed so little in a zillion years - it’s no wonder so many of us struggle with anxiety and panic we don’t always understand. Here’s help, including a guided relaxation from me.
Thanks for connecting with me here, and I want to take this opportunity to wish you a 2023 full of everything you want in it.
Here’s our subscriber question:
Deb,
I have waves of fear or panic, I guess you’d call it, when I just don’t know why I’m so scared. It gives me a feeling of doom and terror sometimes and my heart races for a few minutes until I manage to calm it down. It leaves me feeling not good enough, drained and worried about my ability to cope with anything hard in life. I have apps that help a bit and I’ve started yoga which I love but I think this is going to be a long-term battle.
I started seeing a counsellor but I haven’t worked out what the panic is about yet. It actually seems to have gotten a bit worse since my life started going better in other ways, like work. I do have some abuse in my past but I have never felt so upset about it that I’ve had panic thinking about it. Nothing terrible has happened recently to bring this on. I thought things were actually getting easier in my life and I was better at dealing with things, but maybe not. It’s getting exhausting.
Any ideas what could help?
Thanks Deb.
Hey You!
Great question and yours is not an uncommon situation. So many people are dealing with anxiety and its acute and intense manifestation panic on the regular, often without really understanding why they feel the way they do.
As you wrote, anxiety and panic often snowball into even more anxiety, as we struggle to understand - What the hell is happening to me? Why are these horrible feelings coming over me, seemingly out of nowhere, and how do I make them stop?
Let’s cut to the chase, because in this forum I don’t have much background information with which to form hypotheses about individual situations - but what I can offer is what working with loads of people over decades has taught me:
Panic is so very often coming from a deep part of ourselves that fears change.
Now, change can of course, be anything from fabulous to awful, but generally involves the loss of something old to make way for the new. I’m saying this because you’ve indicated that you’ve reached a good time in life and started to deal with some previously unresolved past trauma. While that’s all positive, it’s likely that a part of you is nervous about that kind of change.
We can reach a point where there is a part of us driving for growth and change, consciously or unconsciously from within us, but another part of us is terrified and holding on to old habits, mindsets and defenses, fearing loss of certainty or control. This sets up an inner conflict and a feeling of doom and even terror in the part of ourselves that wants to hold on to the old ways.
In the case of trauma in the past, a part of ourselves can be holding on desperately to our old way of dealing with it, like not talking about it for example, and is terrified of changing that defence strategy. As you try to push through, resolve things and grow because you’ve reached a place in your life where you’re ready and able to do that, another part of you is hitting that panic and doom button.
The panic waves are generally attempts at a smokescreen from that scared part of you, distracting you from the growth and change at hand. It’s an attempt at self-protection which might stop you in your tracks for a while, but it actually doesn't help you in the bigger picture. It keeps you lost in the fog of panic, making the panic the fearsome problem, while the real issue remains shrouded until you can see your way clear of that fog.
I like the simple metaphor of a jacket and hat hanging on the back of your bedroom door. If you wake in the night you might get a terrible panic feeling thinking there’s a person in front of the door, looming in the shadows, but when you turn on the light, you can see and name the items and the fear goes.
Rockstar Robert Smith of The Cure wrote about his horrible dream/vison of a head on the door of his bedroom, frightening him when he was sick as a child - a terror that turned out to be the play of light on the wallpaper of his room. Flicking the light on monsters and naming them can really diminish the fear that thrives un-named in darkness and fog. That’s why it’s great to name panic and anxiety when they arise and not focus on them as core issues, so much as misguided defenses gone a bit rogue.
When panic is coming I recommend saying to it
“Hello there, keep going”
Imagining it as a gentle wave approaching as you stand in the shallows. You are safe. Hop over the little wave, or move through it in your imagination, letting it travel on and dissipate against the sandy shore.
Anxiety often feels like excessive, jittery, pent-up energy. The more you can use it and tire yourself in healthy ways, the easier you will rest. Anxiety is usually exacerbated by doing nothing, or by consuming loads of calories and not expending any. Physical exercise helps enormously, even if you must push yourself to get started.
Getting into nature is so important to mental health and balance. Being in nature is linked with a lessening of activity in the brain regions associated with anxiety, panic and depression. While walking or exercising in any environment has benefits, a natural environment tends to lower stress hormone levels most notably.
We don’t have to venture out into the bush to feel the supportive effects of a connection to nature. Just a courtyard, a tree, or some plants to sit beside contribute significantly to psychological wellbeing. Indoor plants, home gardens, or small pockets of nature in cities, are enough to support positive mental and physical health. Regular exposure to even a tiny patch of nature lifts our mood and lowers stress.
If you can’t immerse yourself in a natural environment, using an app to help you with calming sounds or focusing on your breathing is ideal. There is always a soothing voice there to talk you through any time, wherever you may be.
Another of the simplest and most effective things you can do for anxiety or panic feelings is to focus on being your own friend through the fear and comfort yourself. Rather than believing in the anxiety and its symptoms, believe in your courage, your strength, and your ability to stay present and talk yourself calmer. Stay present, and above all else, trust yourself that you can surf anxiety waves and come out the other side.
When you feel stress rising, look around you with as much attention as you can muster. Focus in the here and now by naming the items of furniture, the features of the place, or all that you notice with your senses, to ground yourself in the present moment and current place, so you are not just drifting into fear-fantasy.
Hydration and good nutrition matter for mental health. Plant-based eating (you can still eat meat if you wish, but also plenty of plants) is associated with good health and longevity across copious research. You'll also feel stronger and more empowered emotionally when you are looking after yourself with good nutrition. Dehydration confuses your body and can give you headaches and cravings. If you don't feel like drinking cold water, try soda water or hot water as an alternative sometimes.
Don't be watching or reading scary stuff, including the news or current affairs (!) if it makes you despair. Watch, read or listen to some comedy if it takes you to a better place. It's helpful not to take life too seriously, to find people who make you laugh and who refuse to join you in too much fear. Laughter is one of the greatest and most eternal medicines. Look for ways to laugh at obstacles, rather than defaulting to flat feelings. It gives you a sense of power in your response to difficult situations.
In his book Anatomy of an Illness, Norman Cousins detailed his belief that he helped cure himself of serious illness by laughing uproariously at Marx Brothers movies while bedridden. He went on to live a long life after his recovery.
We know that when we laugh, our bodies produce hormonal responses that alleviate pain and stress, relieving some of the struggle. There are many ways to get more laughter into our lives: Subscribe to funny podcasts, blogs, comedy feeds, whatever gives you a smile, and check in with your sources of laughter often.
Taking rest, not necessarily a nap, but a conscious, mindful rest, is enormously restorative. A couple of minutes in a yoga rest pose can work wonders for finding new energy:
Lie on your back nice and straight. Pop a cushion under your knees if you feel like it's hard on your lower back, and one under your head. If you have a rug or towel at hand, it's great to roll it and put it under your upper back at heart level - reversing any slump between your shoulder blades, subtly lifting your chest.
Then, just close your eyes, open your palms to the ceiling, and observe your breathing for a few minutes. If you can keep a little lavender infused eye-cover on hand, even better. The physical and emotional layers of us are interwoven, that's where yoga is so helpful for mind, body and emotions. Stick with it.
Here’s a little yoga relaxation track I recorded that might be comforting to relax to as well. Enjoy some time out to it.
Layer any of these anxiety-management strategies to take your anxiety levels down whenever you need to. Courageously carry on with what you want to focus on or change; continue to believe in your better and easier days. Name those suckers - panic and anxiety - for what they are and don’t let them hold you back from what you value and want to do.
Know that you are not alone in this. It’s a very normal human problem and it will pass. You’ve got this.
Love to you x
The soundtrack to this piece is The Cure’s Close to Me where Robert Smith names his Head on the Door fear, flicking on the light of awareness.