Hello friends,
Here’s a letter I received from a distressed, loving step-grandmother. It highlights for me, as a mum and a mental health worker, how teens are still children in so many ways, even if they look grown!
Sure, they’re able to do plenty of things adults do, but we know their brains are still growing and they’re a long way from figuring out their inner lives and the world of emotions and relationships. They often have advice and teaching coming at them from every angle, but they really need enormous emotional support and a great deal of companioning to work out how to walk this world.
Dear Deb,
My daughter’s step son *Sam is 16 . He moved in with me about 3 months ago . My daughter was at mental break down point , her marriage (to the boy’s dad) was under extraordinary pressure and I was extremely concerned. My daughter is now being assessed by a psychiatrist for potential mood disorder, but since Sam has been with me both my daughter and her husband along with my baby grandson *Tim are doing really well most of the time which is a huge relief for me.
Now I am struggling . We are all pulling together to support each other. Sam is involved in most discussions but we are just at our wits end. This is sounding awful I know, but he is so difficult, so traumatised and so self hating.
I am at burnout. My ability and awareness to care for myself has deteriorated. I am in a survival mode.
Sam is a very mentally unwell teenager. He has regular psychology, was referred to a team of psychiatrists due to my own phone call to mental health triage. But they deem him not in need of psychiatric help from them.
Small matters escalate in minutes One task he has is loading the dishwasher. I have asked him on so many occasions to rinse the dishes first. But he is relentless in loading them completely caked with food. I asked again other day, and he agreed to wash them. I went back out and it was reloaded just as bad. I lost my temper. It was a build up of many other matters. I was speaking awfully to him and know there is a better way but my tolerance and capacity is drained. He then sat on the floor in kitchen indicating he was crying and sent me a text message later that I ‘broke him’
He will go to extreme lengths to attempt to prove himself right. He constantly lies. He will hold something in the past and raise it as a failure of the other person.
It will sound awful, but he is so difficult to love. He attends school no issues, far as we know smoking weed and vaping. Has one or two friends, Never brings them home. Doesn’t want to. Wanted to stay entire weekend at a friends, we said yes, but needed to know a contact number and address but he declined that so that did not proceed.
We have family therapy coming up for us all.
I feel the behaviour and trauma are past the capacity of any of us. He is never angry but very withdrawn. His mother is not in the picture at all. Things that happened that lost her custody of Sam are the trauma.
Last night we had a family discussion about how can we made thing better with Sam . He was defensive . I understand he suffering from the affects of the rejection of his mother. He also has the family unit that has not worked well. Sam asked to come live with me, but now that is looking ominous. This situation is seriously not good for him.
Last night his dad asked him to let me have some space by not pressuring me or answering back/lying etc. He then proceeded to message me relentlessly asking do I want him out. He rang me messaged me, said I was humiliating him. Ended up his dad had to call him . Sam went for a walk for a few hours late into the night talking to his dad who settled him down.
It is so tiring and it is also a serious worry. Last night I was frightened he was considering suicide. He wanted a friend to pick him up and he wanted me to say ‘I want you to leave Sam’ I would not say that .
We are lost. I am worried for him, myself and the family. There is a maternal grandmother in Townsville an Uncle in Tassie. But Sam’s dad is ashamed to share the story and they are not supportive anyway.
It is a mess with a troubled boy in the middle of it all.
Concerned Step-grandmother
*Names changed.
Dear Concerned Step-Grandmother,
First let me affirm and commend you for stepping in to support your daughter’s marriage, her parenting of her young baby, and to support Sam, who does indeed sound like he has some awful stresses he is contending with in himself. I really feel for you all, especially Sam who seems to feel unwanted.
One of my first thoughts - only a question, not a diagnosis - is whether Sam might be struggling with Post Traumatic Stress since you mention he has suffered trauma at a young age. Worth consideration and discussion with his mental health workers perhaps?
It’s a normal reaction for older children, especially a step-child, to feel they are on the outside or somehow rejected when a new baby comes into their family. Parents are naturally consumed with the baby and it’s virtually impossible to keep up the same level of attention with older siblings, despite very best efforts. Over time, this tends to settle down but it is difficult at the start for everyone. So, I imagine this flare up of distress and potential echoes of past trauma for Sam, has been inevitably triggered by the arrival of Tim.
You mentioned that Sam’s mum is not in the picture of your lives and this too must likely contribute to Sam feeling rejected or unwanted, especially if this is by some level of choice on her part. Anything you can continue to do as a family to disrupt the narrative in Sam that he is not good enough, that he is somehow unworthy of a mother’s love, is essential.
It is hard, I get that, very hard, when Sam is potentially acting out his distress, pushing every emotional button and testing the limits of those who are there for him. To some extent, this is what kids do, and teenagers are still very much just kids.
Like all of us, I reckon Sam just wants to feel unquestioningly loved and liked by his family for just existing. It’s extra hard to feel worthy if your Mum wasn’t there for you, your Dad has a new little son he adores, and you are generally considered difficult.
In my opinion, and I know it’s easy to say, harder to do, Sam needs at least a couple of years of close attention and care while he completes his teens and school. I personally think he might benefit most from a sense of feeling companioned, walked beside by his dad very attentively and consistently into adulthood.
I understand from what you’ve written that this takes a toll on the marriage of his dad and step-mum, but I feel compelled to focus on the needs of this child. He is still a child, just like the baby Tim, just as important. I think he needs a real life-line.
I am wondering, just wondering, whether your support might be very powerfully given to your daughter and grand-baby for a while, so that Sam’s dad can look after his first-born son more intensively and closely, working to correct this narrative of Sam being on the outside of the family.
I feel Sam needs an advocate, his inner child needs a hero, at risk of sounding cheesy…soz. He needs to be affirmed that he is loved and worthy just for exisiting, no matter how much he acts like a little shit or avoids his chores. I know you have done your best to do that, going above and beyond the call for a step-grandma. I think perhaps it needs to come from his Dad to have the most power to heal.
Is there a way Sam’s dad can exchange these responsibilities with you in the family? Sam is going to be legally a man soon, he needs that close, intense and attentive parenting and ‘walking beside’ right now, especially from his dad.
I’m glad Sam sees a psychologist for support and I’m wondering if his psychologist recommends any testing for him? Sometimes there can be clues to a kid’s distress uncovered by testing, for example for neurodiversity. Just a thought….
You mentioned that Sam had a psychiatric assessment. I’m wondering what was recommended for him, if anything. Perhaps he was only assessed as ‘not at immediate risk’ at that particular time by the triage service (I’m only guessing here), maybe not for less urgent, chronic issues?
It would be ideal if Sam could see a community psychiatrist as well as his psychologist - have a team to support him. Waiting lists can certainly be long but Sam’s GP might be able to make a referral to a community service or local specialist to help address his trauma more intensively.
There are also various hubs for connecting young people to services in Australia. Here is a link to some of these services in your state.
Headspace is also a good mental health resource to look at for teenagers.
I wish you continued strength and support in helping Sam and your family. You are going above and beyond with the care you are giving. I hope that Sam’s dad can continue to find ways to take the lead in directing efforts to help Sam to heal.
Love to you,
Deb.