My life as a human and a psychologist has constantly affirmed to me that personal criticism and shaming are not a path to making ourselves, or anyone else, be better or do better. They ultimately just hurt and damage.
While criticism might hope to shake-up complacency and provoke striving for a higher standard, it often impedes progress. Over time, critical words amass to form blocks to creativity, passion and flow. Shame and criticism steal our confidence, and sense of freedom to experiment, they lessen our pleasure and increase anxiety.
They make us less, if we let them.
I know I have more self-criticism, mistake replaying and revisiting of old shames going on in my head on a daily basis, than is helpful. This is despite being a senior psychologist and a person who has done years of therapy, yoga and mucho soul-searching.
I am mindful of the content of my thoughts and of my inner dialogue but to this day, despite great improvement, I still notice a higher percentage of unhelpful, critical thoughts circulating and beckoning me to follow them, than feels ideal or helpful.
They slip in then slowly ramp up, particularly when I’m feeling tired, vulnerable or unsure. They’re defences at core, but became over-powered to the point of dangerous, little monsters that turned against their creator.
I’m going to estimate that maybe 20% of my thoughts contain at least a tinge of pressure, a ‘should’ message, or a sniff of perfectionism. They all move so fast it’s difficult to say, but that’s my estimate, that’s my feeling about the tone of my inner voice.
What percentage of the real estate in your headspace do you think gets taken up by harsh, shaming or unhelpful critical thoughts?
Do you want it to be less?
I do.
The mood’s a lot warmer inside my head than it used to be and that’s a bloody relief, let me tell you. But I know I could still be more relaxed, creatively free, joyful, playful, more forgiving in my tone towards myself.
I’d like to level up the friendliness and drop the criticism percentage even further in my brain-box - maybe down to around the 10 % level, absolute max. That would be a start.
Are you asking how?
This is the best I’ve got - let’s try. So far as I’ve managed to work out, it’s all about listening to ourselves closer and closer, drawing in and really paying attention.
When we’re really aware of what’s going on in there we just have to catch it quick when it arises then be proactive in our inner lives.
For example, say I have the thought “I shouldn’t have said that/done that” etc. and there is no further practical action to be taken in the real world to fix anything, it’s just me being harsh on me, replaying mistakes.
It’s helpful to say “No thanks” to that kind of pointless, shaming or critical content.
Then, we can back ourselves up further by replacing the unhelpful content with a more friendly, kind of corrective perspective, like,
“Hey, that’s past…it’s thought-spam. Let’s refocus on something more supportive like….(whatever helpful thing)”
Rinse and repeat. Practice the little things each day, with patience, to create the big changes.
I’m super keen to keep working my percentages to get them to a friendlier level. Life’s way too short to waste being mean to ourselves or each other.
Love to you.
The mindful soundtrack to today’s post is divine. Enjoy.
Thanks for the reminder. X