See what I did there with that Lord of the Rings reference? ;)
But seriously, often in therapy I talk with people about having just one rule for how to treat everyone including ourselves. It makes life a lot simpler to offer the same courtesy and compassion to all, including in our own inner dialogue.
Developing self-compassion is nothing less than a core life skill, because the way you speak to yourself, treat yourself, and think about yourself, colors your entire perspective of your life and relationships.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t help that self-compassion, or self-love, has frequently been packaged in a super unpalatable way.
At first hearing, self-love might sound icky and uncool, not to mention inaccessible. Fortunately, you don’t have to be vain, into yourself, or delighted with every aspect of your being, to stop being a monster to yourself in your own head.
Everyone has unhelpful thoughts and feelings crossing their mind at some time, it’s part of being human. It's a life skill to be able to de-identify, or as mindfulness teacher Dr Russ Harris calls it ‘de-fuse’ from unhelpful thoughts. That means acknowledging them as inner events, not facts, and certainly not as part of your core self.
Mindfulness is a state in which you allow thoughts and feelings to come and go in your awareness, without having to follow them. When unhelpful thoughts are vying for your attention, mindfulness gives you space to check them against your goals and values, to determine how you wish to respond to them.
If you wouldn't speak to a friend in a certain way, because it's mean, then be just as disciplined and compassionate about not speaking to yourself that way. Set a boundary and standards that apply across the board – one rule for everyone – no double-standards.
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