Hello Everyone,
I hope this post is going to be super-helpful. I mean, I hope that about all of my posts, but this reader question highlights feelings and struggles I’ve heard about from many people over the years. I too, recall feeling this way at points in life - pining and agonising over unreciprocated feelings.
Dear Deb,
I think of my ex so much. I analyse all the texts and words he said, to try to work out why he doesn’t feel the same as me (he was the one who broke things off).
He says he has too much happening with work and his family, but I don’t think that’s why he doesn’t want to see me anymore. I think he just doesn’t want me. I’m obsessed with wanting to know why…what he thinks is not right about me, or us.
I don’t understand why I can’t just stop thinking about him when he doesn’t seem to be thinking about me. How do I just move on?
Obsessed??
I hear you ‘Obsessed??’
It’s a horrible feeling when somebody you want to be with doesn’t have their heart or mind in the same place as you. I imagine it’s torturous for you, not letting go of them emotionally when they’ve checked out, some part of you still hoping things might turn around. They seem so special. It can feel like an obsession, trying to understand why something didn’t work, like you say, analysing every word, every tiny breadcrumb...
It’s like the question you’re really asking is “What’s wrong with me?”
Let’s cut to the chase. This kind of obsessing is not about the other person, although it absolutely feels like it is - that feeling’s a ruse. The way to emotional freedom and moving on is to understand your obsessing feelings for what they actually are - so much about you, so little about the other person.
Most of us want to feel loved, accepted, good enough, affirmed, and we ultimately yearn for those things from our own deepest self - the only person who can ever grant them.
Consider the truth in this:
It doesn’t matter what nice thing anyone says about you if you think you’re s**t, right?
That being said, we aren’t generally aware of yearning for compassion and acceptance from ourselves, let alone how to grant it.
So, instead we may (unconsciously) project our longings for affirmation onto another person or a series of people, hoping that they will turn out to be the key to us feeling better about life, ourselves, everything.
Don’t get me wrong, having hopes for a wonderful supportive relationship is not maladaptive or wrong. Good, reciprocal relationships ideally provide some affirmation, acceptance and love, but they can’t provide all of it.
And a complication is, when we are looking for external validation of our worthiness because we don’t feel it, we often project the yearning onto terrible perfect candidates. Meaning, we may repeatedly choose those we unconsciously identify as highest stakes to win over - the reluctant challenges, the perennially emotionally unavailable.
Why?
Perhaps they are symbolic of the one we really need to deal with - our own inner critic. And perhaps it’s because we unconsciously feel that if we can win their love, turn the reluctant into the eager, then we must be powerful, worthy and irresistible indeed. We must not be s**t anymore.
The unconscious motivation behind our projected feelings may read something like:
If I can convince this ambivalent, distant, unavailable, gorgeous other to love me, then I will experience myself, at last, as a powerful, irresistible, beautiful and special creature, instead of unwanted and unworthy.
Superficially, it sounds like powerful motivation to win the unavailable person’s love, but unfortunately, it’s completely misguided thinking.
As I’ve said, you’re trying to convince the wrong person, and likely wasting your time with a Bad Romance (incidentally the theme for today’s post), into the bargain.
What then to do?
Decide to shift gears from your feelings-driven mind into your wise mind, the state of mind that balances your intellect with your emotions. Pure emotion does not honour you holistically.
Ask yourself, what has your ex said they want from you now?
If it’s anything other than wanting to see you and talk to you, it is time to let go.
Stop calling them, don’t text them, don’t check their socials, don’t stop by to say ‘hi’ if they say they don’t want you to. It’s OVER.
If things are not yet so clear between you, ask yourself, do I feel loved and wanted by this person anymore?
If the answer is not a resounding ‘Yes’, reconsider whether you want to pursue a situation that is hurtful to you, any further.
Do you not want a relationship in which you never have to beg for love or accept crumbs?
Let go. Move on.
Yes, you will feel grief, but it is unavoidable if you are caught in a self-defeating situation. Sooner of later you have to leave, grieve and recover, so save yourself sooner rather than later.
Finding that strength to no longer pursue relationships where you are not fully wanted and accepted is a first, profound step in giving yourself the love, support and compassion you are truly obsessed with giving yourself. And rightfully so.
Waste no more time looking outside yourself.
Love to you,
Ooof! as the millennials like to put it. Good advice.
Hitting the nail on the head alright, Dr Deb. Non attachment, it's a practice. Sitting with the not knowing, that takes practice too. Chopping wood, carrying water. Validating ourselves. Not much more of great worth in a life, that much I know. Carry on the good and vital work. Salutations. xx (heading off to do my vacuuming ;) )