Hello Everyone,
You might recall that in March, before I went on a long journey overseas, I invited you to write to me about what scares you, to potentially indulge in some catharsis, feel braver and normalise things through sharing.
I received a few notes and some longer emails, and at risk of sounding reductionist, I could absolutely hear some common threads across most responses.
The dominant fears you expressed were at core, not so much around death, but deadness in life - isolation, lack of meaning, somehow ‘failing’ to live up to something, terrible loss, emptiness - the whole existential box and dice.
I hear you. I share these human worries and always have. I’m frequently wondering in the background somewhere, What’s it all for? Does any of this mean anything, and if it does, what?
I’ve thought about those great questions a lot (some might suggest too much). I did psychoanalytic therapy for years, repeatedly asking these questions. I explored all kinds of New Age spirituality in the 90s, some of which fell flat, some of which repackaged helpful gems of ancient wisdom about living.
I read philosophy and about religions, worked in a church, and immersed myself in yoga and some of its background philosophy. I welcomed the possibility of multiple lives through which karma could be enacted and the pain and unfairness of a single lifetime might be corrected by other incarnations. Perhaps greater meanings might even be revealed about existence given more bites at the cherry?
For now, the essence I’ve arrived at, is that dealing with fears and answering our big existential questions comes down to sticking with some basics as a foundation. I hope you find these ideas comforting too:
Reach for connections
We benefit from connection, having some beings to love or feel connected to, at least sometimes. Belonging to someone, somewhere, or something - human, animal, vegetable or spiritual, whatever floats your boat - understandably quells our existential fear of isolation.
Feel around for your flow
We thrive on finding some kind of work, passion or activity that gives us a sense of purpose and ideally transports us to a state of flow. Flow is being at one in the present moment, where little exists apart from the thing we’re engaged in. Finding your flow and being able to take refuge there, especially when you’re alone, is a powerful remedy for anxiety, disconnection or sadness.
Work on the warmth of your inner voice
Third, is finding a safe place in your own mind where your consciousness abides. This means cultivating a kind inner voice and compassionate attitude to yourself. It means consciously working on speaking to yourself like a good friend, even if that sounds like a bizarre challenge at first. It helps.
You spend more time listening to your own thoughts than talking to anyone else. It follows that if you want to feel less anxious, more connected and at peace, it starts with paying attention to your inner dialogue.
I live these three basics, as best I can. I prioritise relationships, find my flow in writing, and work daily to speak warmly to everyone, including myself. Although my anxieties are not extinguished by them, they are the best and most powerful answers I have found to the big questions of why, and how to live and feel well.
Essentially, it’s about love - for other beings, life and self. It’s still the best I’ve got. Hope it helps.
Love to you,
PS. My two previous posts have been the first two episodes of a fiction series I’ve been writing. I’d love to know whether you’d like to keep reading the fiction story here, or whether you’d prefer I only publish non-fiction, psychological posts like this one here. Please let me know. x
Yes indeedy the big existential questions, that seem complex but when all is peeled away it comes down, as you say Deb, to love. Thicht Naht Hahn says love is about understanding, so it becomes even simpler because we can all understand, can't we? We can try to understand even if we do not agree. The meaning of life, what is to be achieved between being born and dying, for me is about finding meaning within it. Trying to understand is trying to find meaning so there is love in it. Being able to love and find meaning, if I did not have those two things then, at age 63, I think I would not have worked hard enough on the important things. Happy days, Doctor. :) x