Trigger Warning. If this is a topic that is difficult for you, you do not have to read it. I have plenty of other articles that will not distress you. Go there instead if you are likely to be distressed because I want these articles to support, not upset.
Nothing about writing or reading on this topic is easy. I do however, believe I have a duty to write some kind of imperfect answer here about one of the most frequently discussed issues in therapy.
Here’s an email I received this week:
Dear Deb,
I don’t know if you want to write about this. I won’t go into detail here except to say that I am a 23 year old female and I have had two separate experiences of sexual abuse, with two different men since my teens and before that my grandfather was also abusive.
It was especially difficult with my grandfather because I had a really good relationship with him before that. He said he was sorry afterwards and he has since died but I can’t help thinking that maybe if that hadn’t happened I would not have been as vulnerable to the others.
I have done some psychology sessions which are helping a bit but I do the classic putting on weight to protect myself thing, and I struggle with liking and caring about myself. It’s hard to get motivated when you don’t really feel worth much.
I guess I want to ask how to like myself and start caring about myself more. I think that the sexual abuse and the way I feel about my body stole that from me. I am attracted to men but I don’t like a lot of how men are. I don’t trust men in general. It’s hard to see how to ever be happy with myself. Do you have some ideas?
Hello to You,
Yes, yes, I do have some ideas for you. Of course I want to respond to your email very much. So, let me try…
Let’s start by acknowledging how very sad I feel to hear of the abuse that happened to you and also how impressed I am that you decided to talk about it and reach out for help in dealing with the aftermath of abuses perpetrated against you. You have enormous courage to contact me, and to go to therapy to work on healing the trauma inflicted upon you. Deep bow.
Looking at the wider picture just for a moment, let me say that the courage of all survivors of rape and other sexual abuse who speak the truth despite their pain and fear, never ceases to inspire and amaze me.
Humanity has some very serious core problems and one of the most damaging and insidious is sexual abuse. Most of us hope that predators are rare, but the sheer number of people who experience sexual abuse tells us that unfortunately they are not as rare as we want to believe. It’s horrifyingly common to hear stories of abuse, especially sexual abuse, in almost every week I work as a therapist.
My anger at how much sexual abuse goes on in the world, is hard to describe. It’s not that I can’t find the words. I’m great with words. It’s that there are not strong enough words in existence for the exponential levels of rage upon rage, agonising empathy upon empathy.
Most of all I ask, what must we do to make it stop? How do we change everything about humanity that allows sexual abuse to happen in such great numbers?
I’m interested in everyone’s thoughts.
Now, back to you, our brave letter writer du jour.
First, please continue to work with your therapist ongoing to honour yourself with a dedicated space and the support to express yourself.
Rage and shame are two massive feelings that we humans often need help with, and dealing with these two huge emotions is typically even more relevant for survivors of abuse. You need that space. I’m so glad you have found it.
As I said, I have seen that internalised shame is one of the most insidious consequences of sexual abuse and rape for survivors. Ironically, survivors often feel shame for having been attacked and violated by a predator, and that kind of self-blaming can damage their lives even further.
Zooming out again for a moment to address this, humanity still needs to get crystal clear that sexual assault and rape have NOTHING to do with the victim EVER and ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to do with the perpetrator.
The perpetrator, the predator, is 100% of the problem.
Somehow, this fact still needs to permeate every layer of humanity until the ancient victim-shaming propaganda is slain. We’re not there yet, so survivors still suffer the double pain of their personal suffering plus having to contend with victim-blaming undertones, or straight out accusations, from other voices.
It will change. It has to. Let’s just keep exposing the truth until it does.
You mentioned the ‘classic putting on weight to protect myself thing’, and I get what you’re referring to. I agree with what you say later, that disordered eating is likely part of struggling to like and care for yourself. It can be a consequence of the burdens of abuse you carry.
On the surface, eating unhealthy foods can seem like just comforting yourself with treats. It might be that sometimes which is cool, but if you have a regular diet that you know is unhealthy and you keep on it long-term, you know that’s not taking care of yourself. And for me, the underlying emotion in consciously not taking care of ourselves is almost always anger towards ourselves, at least somewhere in the mix.
It’s a tendency of many people to take their anger out on themselves, turn it inwards, to avoid conflict or hurting others, even just to avoid openly facing the power of their rage. Anger and outrage at having been violated can feel overwhelming and scary to face because it’s understandably so huge and present in the background.
It might seem easier for a while to push it aside, not look it in the eye. However, the price of trying to hold back the waves of your natural emotion can be that you start taking things out on yourself, through self-destructive behaviours. That’s a high price you should not have to pay, because you haven’t done anything wrong.
When you’re wanting to change a habit that’s not good for you, like poor diet or uncaring self-talk, it helps to replace it with something better, rather than just leaving a blank space. In my opinion, it’s vital to find places for your rage to be directed for good in your life, for self-care and physical and emotional healing.
Eating in unhealthy ways that could add up to harm you over the long-term is not a positive channelling of your understandable and justified rage.
So, what could you replace it with, aside from more balanced nutrition? What could you give yourself that is healthy and supportive and takes you closer towards the life you want to be living, inside and out?
That answer is very personal of course, because different things work for different people. You may need to reflect on that a while. Some people might start to write about things, some might take up running, swimming in the sea, kick boxing, painting, dancing.
Please think about what you might enjoy, or already enjoy, that will serve as a place for you to consciously spend the wild energy that is being suppressed into self-defeating behaviours. Find new places of self-expression to let your life force flow in ways that feel good.
By the way, one of the best books I’ve read on the topic of disordered eating and emotions is called Women, Food and God: an Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth. I recommend it as a great self-development book, very supportive and not very religious, despite the mention of God in the title. It’s a classic work about that ‘classic’ tendency you mentioned, emotional eating.
There is also a lot more support and practical strategies for healthy emotional management in general coming out in our Writing Therapy sessions here on Deb Does Therapy in the next day or so.
Part of those sessions is working on your inner voice of support. Another part is reclaiming your power.
The people who hurt you don’t get the last word. You get to tell the story of you and your story has more power than you can imagine.
Paris Hilton
Another vital part of healthy emotional management is developing a self-compassionate inner voice. That means learning to be friendly and supportive to yourself in your own head, always caring for yourself with gentleness and a view to your long-term wellbeing, like you would care for a child.
It means learning to make self-criticism and self-blaming extinct over time.
At first this seems like a huge task, but it’s actually surprisingly do-able with practice because your heart and soul wants you to be kind to you. You just have to realise that in your own way and time.
There are loads of exercises for self-compassion in the Writing Therapy sessions too, but the foundation of all of them is to speak to yourself in your own mind as a good friend, not a critic. That can be a powerful fundamental shift for many of us, and the results are always liberating.
Whether you do those sessions with me or not, think about making a few small shifts in your inner dialogue from now, to get the ball rolling on self-compassion, and to generally raise your awareness of your own inner voice:
When you hear yourself say “I should…”, try again using “I could if I choose…”
When you hear yourself saying “I’m sorry I’m late/got that wrong/whatever, consider whether the apology could be more accurately expressed as
“Thank you for waiting” “Thanks for your patience” or “Thank you for understanding that….”
Of course there are appropriate times for ‘sorry’, but consider whether perhaps you overuse it to apologise for yourself in general, and it’s become just an unnecessary and disempowering habit.
Lastly, if you hear yourself name-calling or speaking harshly to yourself in general in your mind (eg. maybe critiquing your appearance in the mirror), ask yourself whether it feels helpful to your life, confidence or wellbeing to say those things to yourself?
The answer will likely be no.
So, start developing the habit of replying to those comments when they arise in your awareness, kind of calling them out, like:
“No thank you. Not helpful. We’re not doing that”
This stuff seems simple but it can start a revolutionary shift in the way you care for you in every little moment, on the inside, where it really counts.
Once again, thank you for your courage.
Love to you.
The theme to writing this piece is full of soul.