Hello,
Although I fear I may come across a little simplistic in this piece, there’s a good reason for that. I feel it’s really helpful to call a spade a spade sometimes, rather than staying lost in complexity, especially when it comes to creating healthy, lasting relationships.
So, here goes. One word Kimmy: Defences (or defenses, if you prefer!)
Yup. After a couple of decades as a couple therapist, I’m here to tell you that its our defences that typically get in the way of our connection, intimacy, trust and communication in couple relationships.
So, you may ask, if it’s just one main thing, why are couple problems often so intractable, so complex to resolve, and so varied?
The complexity is because there are so very many ways in which we attempt to defend ourselves from the varying things that scare us as individuals. Our defences can be harmless, healthy and downright useful - like humour - or they can end up being the things that undo us rather than protect us.
Defences come into play, usually completely unconsciously, when we get anxious, scared or uncomfortable, or even just feel out of our depth, threatened in some way (I mean emotionally threatened, feeling physically threatened is a different thing.)
For example, if you generally tend to lash out verbally in anger, yell, storm out dramatically, become highly critical, or find yourself generally very easily triggered to high, uncomfortable emotions in close relationships, your defences may well be in overdrive.
If your partner is also behaving in some of those ways, reacting defensively, getting triggered and also ramping up because they feel threatened and uncomfortable emotionally, you’re going to get caught in unhelpful relationship cycles.
Sometimes couples come to therapy having been caught in such cycles for years. The cycle is often sustained by them blaming each other for it and it just keeps worsening until the defensive interactions and the subsequent blaming and resentment cycles come to define the relationship.
A huge part of being a loving, connected partner and having a close, lasting relationship comes down to becoming aware and skilled at managing and taking responsibility for your defensive responses. That’s because when you feel uncomfortable or challenged, your emotional reactions are the manifestation of your defences, coming out in how you behave and speak to your partner.
Where do our defences come from?
All sorts of places, often from childhood but also from various events and influences along the way. We build them and refine them all the time. They’re natural for us humans, but it’s emotionally intelligent to have some awareness of what yours are, and most of all, to know how to soothe yourself when you’re upset, so you don’t just fall into disconnecting cycles because your defences snap into action.
If you do not address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships will.
Neil Strauss
How do we manage our defences and keep them from shutting down communication and spoiling interactions when we’re scared or hurt?
The number one priority is always to grow your awareness, so you are mindful of what’s happening for you emotionally in relationship interactions. It’s only when you become aware of how you behave and how your words are impacting others, that you can use that knowledge to motivate the changes you want to make. You have to own your behaviour and stop blaming your partner for how you behave and speak. You are responsible for all you do and say.
Slowing down difficult conversations and interactions can help grow awareness, so you have space to breathe, and not react in ways, or use words that cause damage to the trust between you. People remember your words. Be careful with them. It’s so much better not to do the damage in the first place, than to have to repair it.
You may need to slow things down so you can say to each other,
“Hey I think we’re about to get into one of our hurt, defensive cycles. Let’s breathe and agree not to react defensively but to listen and be consciously supportive of each other, even soothe each other. We are on the same team here.”
Learn how to soothe yourself so that you do not feel under so much panicky emotional threat in interactions, that you want to bring down the other person in some way. It can mean reminding yourself in your mind,
“You’re OK. Breathe. Say how you feel and ask for help to fix this, don’t make things worse or damage the trust…”
Remember that lashing out in angry or hurtful words is a very immature way to respond to feeling under threat emotionally, although we’ve probably all done it at some time. We can apologise and move on, so long as it isn’t our ongoing, sole response under stress. If it’s habitual, as it is in many troubled relationships, your relationship is on a bad path and needs a course correct.
Be clear, I do not mean immature in a critical way here, but very literally, meaning we reveal that we do not possess more mature, intelligent strategies to deal with our distress when the best we can do is try to hurt, shutdown or belittle.
Take heart if you need help, because it’s not too hard to learn to handle emotional stress and feeling triggered, in ways that are calm and connecting, instead of plummeting into cycles of damage. You just have to want to do it and you can learn.
You can learn to soothe yourself under emotional stress when you’re triggered and stay calm, feeling safer under pressure and in less need to defend over time. Like most things, it just takes the desire to make the shift, some ideas, and a bit of practice.
To learn more about managing your emotions, and avoiding or healing damaging relationship cycles, check out this resource How to Be Your Own Hero. This book is currently free to download as an ebook here via Kindle Unlimited.
Love to you. x
Here’s today’s soundtrack.
So much truth in this.