Hello everyone,
Here’s a very intriguing question about human behaviour and particularly about the fickle, mysterious concept of desire. It’s something neither my professional expertise or life experiences can fully pin down as explicable or predictable yet I’ll do my best to answer! I’d love to hear from the Brains Trust (that’s you readers) on this issue too. Here’s the email I received:
Dear Deb,
Thanks for your wisdom.
I’m in my late 20s and I have a great girlfriend who is also a best friend. Everything would be great if I hadn’t stopped feeling desire in the relationship kind of suddenly.
There is nothing about her that is not desirable, let me be clear. We get on great and she is as attractive a person as ever, but it’s just gone. We still have intimacy but the early desire has almost completely gone. It’s been about 5 months since I realised. We’ve only been together two years and I’d thought we had a future, but now I’m not sure. The first year or so was great. There isn’t anyone else BTW.
Do you think sexual attraction can return? Do we continue together, or is the end inevitable? I just don’t know. What are your thoughts?
Dear You,
Yes sexual attraction, or desire, is a very flighty and fluctuating beast and it’s true to say, we don’t come close to fully understanding it. Perhaps we never will, because it is so individual and multi-facetted. That being said, before I launch in, there are some general preliminary thoughts to mention, in case they apply for you, or other readers looking for similar answers:
There are seasons of desire in all relationships - desire’s always going to be shifting throughout life, especially in long term relationships.
It will ebb and flow according to all sorts of factors including feelings of connection in the relationship, happiness and satisfaction in life generally, plus physical factors like pregnancy, general health, menopause, monthly cycles and associated hormone levels. I would not call yours a very long term relationship though yet, so this probably isn’t it!
Resentment kills desire.
If there is resentment, criticism, harshness or conflict between you ongoing, even very low-level, that can be deadly to desire as it mounts up.
You don’t indicate that’s the case.
If desire is fantasy based it tends to wear off as reality encroaches over time.
Sometimes desire soars with the excitement of attracting someone, securing their attention and is driven by our projection of who we hope they are, rather than who they really are.
They may be amazing, but if we go in with an over-blown fantasy turning us on, instead of seeing the real person, it’s a shock when that fantasy dissipates.
We hope a new lover will be close to our version of a perfect partner and we may interpret all they do through rose-coloured glasses for a while, wanting to be right. Hopefully they don’t turn out to be too different from who we thought and hoped, but sometimes reality suddenly kills off the fantasy if the two things are poles apart.
Intimacy and desire need fuelling in a relationship, or complacency gradually erodes them.
It can feel like we’re falling out of love or lust if we gradually stop trying, stop putting in energy to the relationship, just expecting it to stay fresh and exciting. We have to keep giving each other something to work with or the connection won’t flourish.
All that being said, I’m feeling a bit of number 3 could be happening in your situation - that the early hopes, excitement and fantasies about your girlfriend may have dissipated leaving the two of you without such strong idealistic filters.
The first lustful period of the relationship has maybe slowed, which is fairly natural, although very varied across people. I have to say that for many couples, it lasts longer than you’ve described.
That leads me to suggest, to be blunt, that you may not be right for one another. I’m sorry. My days of beating around the bush are behind me and now I like to say what I really think. It saves time.
I may have it wrong, don’t go breaking up because of anything anyone else says, including me. Nobody knows better than you and your partner what you both want.
Weigh everything up mindfully and do not be hasty.
From my point of view, being in your 20s and only a couple of years into a relationship, if the sex is already gone, the writing is probably on the wall in regard to you two not having a future together. If you’ve been off sex for 5 months and you’ve only been together 24, then you’ve been off sex for a fair percentage of your time together.
I have to wonder, what will happen, starting from where you are now, if life gets more complicated with mortgages, kids or any other kinds of stressors becoming part of your shared life? It’s simpler now presumably and you’re already unsure.
All that being said, relationships are diverse. Many people live with high life satisfaction in low sex environments! You just need to weigh up together where you each sit on that spectrum. Chances are, your partner has noticed the changes too. It might be a relief to both of you to put all your thoughts on the table.
Hope this helps a little. Our readers might have some further thoughts.
Love to you,
Theme to writing this was sublime. Never tire of this classic about desire.
Yes. Yes. Yes. (like that scene from 'Harry/Sally!?!) I can only agree whole heartedly with your insight Doctor. I have never been able to discern between desire and love, so I have found myself to be very lost a lot of the time, around what to build a relationship on. Seeking relationship counselling could be the very thing for this couple, or not. Nothing is certain, life is chaotic, I look forward to your next post.