Hello friends,
Here’s this week’s reader question. Send yours. It will be answered anonymously, by me.
Dear Deb,
I compare myself to others constantly, mainly in terms of career success, but also physically. I don’t know how to stop and refocus when my comparisons get me down, because I usually compare poorly. How do I stop it?
Any ideas gratefully received.
Dear You,
Let me start with this, it’s great advice:
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.
Dita von Teese
We can’t please everybody, sometimes not even ourselves! I know that comparison is one of the most deadening things I can do to my creativity and contentment. If I start looking left and right at what other people are doing, instead of staying in my own lane, I tend to lose my verve and confidence. So it’s far better to focus on my own stuff - what I like to do, what gives me moments of contentment.
Comparing myself to others slows me down and distracts me from whatever I could be creating, inviting me to plummet into other people’s business, to doubt and de-prioritize my own. There is little benefit to comparison, and it steals precious resources like your time, confidence, focus and satisfaction.
At worst, comparing yourself to others steals originality and belief in yourself when it prompts you to sink into doubt and self-criticism. You could just be creating and flowing and enjoying life if you’d stayed in your own lane, but…
Chances are, you know it's no good for you when you do it. So why do we humans tend to compare ourselves to other people habitually, when we know it’s often pointless?
Self-comparison seems to be something everyone is drawn to do, at least a little. Social Comparison Theory says that we do it to run 'worthiness checks' on ourselves, probably with a primitive evolutionary basis in estimating our chances of survival. Clearly that’s not as necessary nowadays and that whole defense mechanism comes from a primitive time, before we had an internet that thrives on images and comparing.
Comparing yourself to others is an essentially flawed practice because you just don’t know what another is going through, even if their lot seems better than yours, their grass greener, or their face prettier. You can’t see their inner reality.
For example, an irritating, opinionated person might be terrified, trying to stay afloat emotionally minute by minute. An angry driver might be at the edge of their ability to cope with grief. The person who looks like they have everything may be suffering an illness.
Life is not fair, and everyone is charged with doing their best to play with the cards they are dealt. You just never know for sure what’s in the other player’s hand.
Comparison-itis is particularly damaging if it takes on an addictive quality. Although the rise of social media has increased social comparison enormously, there's plenty we can do to push back, not least, limiting the energy and time we spend on social platforms.
However, here’s the most important remedy:
The more you cultivate flow experiences in your own life, the less likely you are to feel the pull of comparison-itis, or the yearning to fill bored, empty spaces with zombie-scrolling. Sometimes you must tell yourself a big beautiful "No" to things that aren't healthy in excess - you know, too much alcohol, too much sugar, too much scrolling!
It's important to reality-check yourself when you become aware of sliding into comparison - acknowledging how pointless, and just how potentially damaging it can be. Then, stop.
Instead of wasting your time comparing, pull your focus inwards to things you are good at or have a strong interest in exploring, whenever you’re triggered by comparisons and self-judgment.
Let the realization that you’re comparing yourself be a signal to turn your attention to what you love, and things that give you a sense of achievement. Let the urge to compare become an invitation to refocus and mindfully pursue your own flow.
What Is Flow?
Flow is a brilliant, golden state of being that can arise for us when we are challenged at just the right level and immersed in something we enjoy. Typical places people find flow are in the arts like writing, drawing, photography, dance, music making or theatre; in sports and games; or perhaps in research projects. It can be found almost anywhere at all where you are deeply engaged and in the moment whole-heartedly.
In flow you’re awake, consciously engaged in life, so you’re more than happy in the moment; it typically evokes satisfaction, enlivening fascination and desire to go back for more. Being in flow pushes against anxiety or numbing out, the opposite of glazed eyes and just going through the motions. It’s passion. It is absolutely a remedy for comparison-itis because what you’re doing is too good to care what anyone else is doing.
Flow breathes meaning and vitality into us, because it feels like being lit up with energy, living on purpose, vibrating with contentment.
A growing body of research has found that 'feel good' neurotransmitters are released in a flow state, potentially lifting our mood and promoting happiness. Other writers talk about our brain waves being at a deeply relaxed and high functioning frequency in flow, which means we operate optimally from that place.
In addition, the focus involved in a flow mind-state generally leads to tuning out to unhelpful aspects of thinking, like self-criticism and comparison. There’s little time or space left for distracting mind-chatter because flow is an all- consuming state. Unsurprisingly, flow is associated with a greater sense of meaning and purpose in life, to our deepest sense of a life well-lived.
Flow experiences may be your 'reasons to get up in the morning', called your ikigai in Japanese. Ikigai is a sweet spot where what you love converges with your skills or abilities and often overlaps with what other people need, acknowledge or value.
Finding More Flow
So how do we cultivate more flow in life? Researcher, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi described several factors conducive to inviting a state of flow:
1. Set aside regular times which you prioritize and schedule specifically to practice your chosen skills or interests. Flow needs time and space to happen and the things you love deserve quality attention, rather than trying to fit them in around other things, or leaving finding time for them to chance.
2. If you have a limited amount of time for a potential flow activity, set an alarm for when you need to finish the session. Then, you can become fully engrossed in your activity without fear of losing time or having to continually interrupt your state of flow to check the clock.
3. Have a clear, specific goal or end point for each session, to give you a laser sharp focus. Make sure it is a 'doable' goal for that day.
4. Practice at a challenging level that just slightly stretches you - so there is real effort required, but it isn’t so difficult that you’re put off trying, or worse, guaranteed to fail. Keep re-calibrating the goal with your skill level or capacity as it increases, so that you’re always playing on the edge of your abilities to stay engaged and rewarded.
5. Practice repeatedly, with consistency and commitment to what you love. Over-practice, that is, more practice than you need, is a key to developing confidence and increasing your skills. Repetitive practice is more likely to take you into flow because your basic skills become automatic, freeing you up to soar to the next level from a confident foundation.
6. And, when you think you’ve hit on a potential new place of flow, can you do as Hemingway suggested about his writing - just find a way to do it every day – to prioritize the things you love?
7. Schedule them in your planner. Don’t wait another moment for a chance at more joy.
I hope that helps. Please let me know in the comments.
Send in your questions.
The soundtrack to this article was Portishead Glory Box, one of my all time faves because it flows so beautifully and takes me away with it. Never gets old.
Love to you.
Send tricky questions please.
“If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.” ― Montesquieu