I don’t mean genuine psychosis here, although some may have suffered through periods like that, I fully acknowledge. I’m talking about those times I think most of us have experienced - times we later look back on and wonder - What the hell was I thinking? What was I doing? or How could I have possibly thought that/justified that/done that?
Was I out of my mind?
Can we all name at least one time like that, or is it just me?
I can name quite a few off the top of my head, where I have indeed felt a little off my head, no mind-altering substances needed, apart from my own naturally occurring neuro-transmitters.
Probably the most common and relatable example of going ‘everyday crazy’ in an absolutely non-clinical sense (!) is falling in love. A bad dose of love-crazy can leave you unable to eat normally, sleep properly, or think of anything but your beloved, at least for a while. That can be a beautiful kind of crazy, that magical early period of limerance, floating in a new love bubble.
Then there’s the common horrible variation on that theme, which I hear about a lot as a therapist - falling in love with someone who doesn’t return the feeling and clearly is giving every sign they never will. However, the crazy part is that the lover doesn’t want to hear good sense, cannot entertain the idea of giving up on the ungrateful object of their affections.
They spend hours pining, phone-checking, stalking socials and analysing whatever tiny crumbs of attention they can scrounge from the floor. It’s like the ‘madness’ of a Midsummer Night’s Dream, that suffering under a spell of lovesickness, feeling out of control. Often you’re unable to see that the person you’re crazy over isn’t actually all that great, even though everyone else is trying to tell you.
Actually, that probably largely defines my twenties.
Just kidding.
Kind of.
Oh well, moving on…
Lately there’s been a lot of talk about the madness that is the ‘red mist’ of anger from Prince Harry’s interviews about his new book Spare. I haven’t read it yet but even the title of the book is angry, isn’t it? Pissed off that he’s number whatever in an ancient irrelevant hierachy that’s now just a family business, more or less, and he’s making a big fuss about it. Intriguing.
To me, everything about Harry is angry - the old red mist indeed - I think he’s in that fog most of the time. You have to be very angry in my opinion, to consistently and systematically tear your family apart on the world stage, to the detriment of all.
I think he’s going to one day look back upon this period and the book and see that he was indeed lost in a mantle of misty madness of sorts. Perhaps it wasn’t all red mist, but also some green of resentment and envy, from which he has never been able to see his way clear.
Of course like for most magic spells of old, modern science and psychology has found potential real world explanations now. We understand the hormones, the brain chemicals that accompany feelings of love, desire and lust. We understand the power of early attachments to our caregivers, and how the quality of those relationships determine much of how we go on to form adult close relationships.
We understand a lot about the impacts of trauma, the causes of addictions and other self-defeating behaviours. We know how unsconscious, driving desires to be loved, accepted, to feel powerful, to win, or to fill an aching hole inside, can make us feel crazy at times. We can get help, and we can learn principles to help ourselves, probably more than ever before in human history.
How do you be less everyday ‘crazy’?
It takes a bit of mindfulness, or sometimes a lot, to pull back and look at ourselves and the situation when we feel that unhelpful kind of everyday ‘crazy’ coming on. Just a moment to breathe, the smallest pause to consider things, can make a huge difference to our decisions and our lives.
Here’s the super-important uncrazy-making question we can ask ourselves:
Is what I’m about to do or say likely to be helpful to me/my life in the bigger picture?
Subtext:
Or is it actually something that might feel exciting/satisfying/comforting/sexy/dangerous/titillating for a hot minute
THEN make things potentially worse/take me back to the start again/make me even more sad or lonely/hurt me, or hurt someone else?)
After that, after giving yourself a no bull answer to that question, it only takes a couple more things to come back from that unhelpful everyday kind of ‘crazy’:
Discipline - not to go back on your helpful, bigger-picture decision.
And
Persistence - to keep making that helpful, self-supportive, bigger-picture decision everytime ‘crazy-pants you’ comes a-knocking.
Lord, I wish someone had told me this stuff when I was seventeen.
I mean, it’s likely I would have still made some pretty average choices and a bunch of mistakes, because that’s what it is to be alive and young, but it might have saved me a few too.
More importantly, it might have helped me to feel like I had more agency in my own life, more choice, more contact with my personal power, less every day kind of ‘crazy’.
Anyhoo, live and learn….
The soundtrack to my writing today was some old Eskimo Joe, particularly my favourite track From the Sea. Love the song, love the video of the synchronised swimmers Hello, Hello, Oh Hello…..
Other Cool Things this Week:
An artist who prefers to remain anonymous. Her self-empowerment Instagram is so perfect for those suffering unrequited-love-crazy.
Here’s an example of her self-care prompts.
This so fits for a few of my beloved clients who need to hear their worth and stop accepting crumbs.
It’s a movie from 2014 that still rates very high on IMDB and was captivating, especially if you’re interested in music, jazz and drums. Certainly not a happy little film but more a study of extremes and the madness of sorts that can come from being obsessed by perfection and success.
It clearly illustrated how an abusive mentor can cause direct and deep harm to person, even if they succeed in making them achieve, the losses may easily outweigh the achievements. Abuse never, ever pays.
Worse, an abusive mentor can set up an abusive internal voice in a student that can go on to create enormous internally-generated misery, even long after the mentor has gone. It’s a study that questions the notion of obsessive striving and the ‘madness’ to achieve something, at all costs.
What a great murder mystery, set in Dublin, with an eclectic music soundtrack and a brilliant ensemble cast.
I'm currently writing in the mystery genre and I really enjoyed this series, so if you’re looking for something original, I can recommend it.
That’s it for this installment of Deb Does Therapy.
Please send me your questions to be answered (with any identifying characteristics removed.)
Love to you x
Really enjoyed the Female Warhol. They are quite clever images that have a powerful, supportive impact.