Have a Whine
Not constantly, but if it gets you through an hour...plus self-esteem, getting triggered, Britney, horses, and Moulin Rouge
Hello All,
A few lessons came out of this week for me, as always I suppose…
Lesson One: Every now and again, If you need to, it’s OK to have a whine
This week I was reminded that a bit of a whine can be good for you. It’s definitely better for you than feeling under pressure to be positive all the time, just because some dummy said so in some bloody motivational BS...
Sure, I get that it’s good to look for bright sides and silver linings, reframe and push through hard things. I also get that our inner dialogue matters but…
I just don’t like forced positivity, because I see it as fear of really listening, fear of facing truths, basically a form a denial and avoidance. I personally experience superficial ‘be positive’ platitudes as the other person shutting me down instead of listening to me when I need to be heard. I try not to chuck ‘be positives’ at other people, but to get down in the trenches and listen to how they actually feel. It tends to be much more useful.
Sometimes we need to express struggles and hard things, without being judged as having a ‘negative’ vibe. Sometimes you need a grizzle to get something off your chest. It’s healthy so long as it’s kind, and you don’t get stuck in it for too long.
A bit of a whine can help release the anger and stuck-ness around an annoyance, so you can move on. It can be cleansing, uniting, human, refreshing.
Love the odd whine. Especially in the gym. Stoopid lifting weights…
Lesson Two: Low Self-Regard Makes Excuses for Others’ Bad Behaviour
This week I’ve been reading The Woman in Me by Britney Spears. It’s full of insights into the woman’s life, including some upsetting content. I’ve said before how much I like reading real stories of survival, and Britney Spears has certainly been through some torturous stuff and lived.
One of the standout messages for me, that repeats through Britney’s tale, is one that I regularly see in therapy too. It’s how having a low self-regard, a sense of the self as not-good-enough, leads us to accept other people’s bad behaviour. towards us. A part of us might unconsciously and unquestioningly believe that naturally others will treat us poorly, think of us poorly, because that’s all we’re worth. We may not realise for so long that we’re living under a terrible misapprehension and that we are worth more than crumbs.
In Britney’s story, so many times I felt frustrated that she didn’t stand up for herself, her rights, even her money, especially early on, before she was legally disempowered. But she explains how this happened and much of it comes down to her feeling ‘bad’, unworthy, unlovable. It comes down to her regressing, she tells us, especially when she was afraid and threatened. Essentially it comes down to the effects of past trauma, breakdowns, and the fear of being locked up and kept from her children.
I liked this article about Spears in Men Yell at Me and I agree with the author that it will be difficult for Britney ever to be truly free due to all she’s been through, and the scrutiny she must still endure.
Lesson Three: We all get triggered sometimes, and it’s important to recognise it so it doesn’t run away with you
I was triggered by Britney’s book. I think most people would be, or will be, if they read it. The experiences she describes are outrageously abusive and unfair at times, and the injustice of those she financially supports treating her like a cash cow to be used and locked up at will, unfathomable.
Add a read like that to the other things going on in the world right now, and who wouldn’t be triggered to a bit of rage, sadness and outrage? What then must we do?
Let’s do our best to use triggered feelings for good, to make a difference in any small, or large ways that we can, to take care and be kind, to create something.
We still have so far to go as a species to reject cruelty, abuse and violence. Let’s never give up hope that we can all make even a tiny difference; even just in our own individual part of the world.
Lesson Four: Dance Wins, Art Heals
I had the privilege of experiencing Moulin Rouge the Musical in Melbourne and it was a feast. Although there are sad moments in the story the overall vibe of the show is a celebration of good things - truth, beauty, freedom and love.
The show made me feel so happy, I had joyful tears. The actors and dancers are incredible at what they do and they do it with so much heart.
I hope to head to the Archibald exhibition this week locally and I’m also looking forward to planning which ballets to see in the upcoming Australian Ballet Season. It can be an investment to attend galleries and shows, but often discounts and last minute tix can be found if you want to get along to something. I believe experiencing art is an investment in mental health and wellbeing.
In a time of triggering upheavals the arts heal and give us glimpses of the kind of hope we all need to keep finding.
Lesson Five: Animals are Therapists Too
Our companion animals too, can give us hope, love and care when we’re triggered or tender, because they demonstrate presence, living in the now, and enjoyment of the small vital things in daily life - a walk, a snooze, a snack, a cuddle.
One of my friends is becoming an equine assisted therapist and I couldn’t be more thrilled for her and her future clients. What a gift to have horses helping as therapists to heal and teach about balancing our sensitivity and resilience, fear, with the courage to stay present.
I hope your week is treating you well and that you are managing the ups and downs of the news at the moment. If it’s too much, let’s turn it off and cuddle an animal, or a person you love.
Love to you
I had to listen to some Britney in honour of her story coming into the light, not the old stuff but something recent remixed with Elton John.
Thanks for the tips Deb, I might see if I can check out Moulin Rouge.
Re: point 1. It reminded me of a weekend away with a couple of friends when I was having a whine about being sadly unpartnered. One friend was INSISTING that I WOULD meet my person one day and refused to even accept my pragmatic position that it was quite possible that I would not.
Toxic positivity is ICK!