Transference, means in lay terms, experiencing your therapist as representing an early attachment figure with whom you may have things to work out on an emotional level, is not gender or sexuality biased. It occurs to some degree in most long-term therapeutic relationships.
The therapeutic relationship is essentially unequal and unique because the therapist is there for the emotional and mental health of the client — it is not mutual like a friendship or family relationship. The client is not required to offer any care or support in return for the therapist’s care. This creates a sense of being cared for and accepted in the client at a level they may never have experienced before. It can make the therapist seem like the most loving, giving ‘perfect’ person on the planet in the eyes of the client, but of course, that is neither realistic nor transferable to a real world relationship.
The client may develop a crush or loving feelings towards the therapist, regardless of gender, and the idea of healing is partly, to reach a place where you follow their model of caring and accepting you in all your pain and struggles. For a while we might see them as this ‘wonderful’ being we feel we can’t live without and must befriend and keep in our lives at all costs. However, the final stages of healing essentially involve learning to let go of that wonderful being, who has potentially symbolized a parent and helped you ‘re-parent’ yourself past the limitations of your old wounds.
The final phase of therapy must ideally involve ‘growing up’ spiritually or emotionally, involving leaving the therapist and making your own way in the world. Ideally, you take with you a sense of their caring voice in your head, as you care for yourself and keep yourself emotionally nourished now. Their care and compassion for you in all your flaws has provided a model of how to treat yourself and speak to yourself in your head — with loving self-compassion and kindness. No longer do you need to check in with the therapist for nourishment, a confidence boost and a push onward, because you’ve learned from them, ideally, to do it for yourself.
The desire to stay friends blurs boundaries and is not viable because the perfection of the therapeutic relationship with all its necessary limitations, will not stand up to a ‘real world’ situation. The therapist will disappoint when they are revealed as a real person, with needs, failings and vulnerabilities, instead of the symbol of perfect love they were in therapy hours.
It is understandable to yearn for that friendship after therapy because we want to be able to run back to the ‘nest’ for comfort and connection, to touch base. Of course we don’t want to separate completely from someone we love. But not letting go of your therapist in the right way, when it’s time, is like resisting growing up — it doesn’t serve your best interests.
My book Lovelands is the tale of my very unusual transference journey and so much more. It’s on Amazon and Audible if you want to read it or listen. x