I’m happy I never used dating apps before I was partnered because it wouldn’t have worked well with the kind of insecurities I brought to close attachments.
I know some couples never would have met without dating apps because they weren't in the same orbit. They can be a great thing. On the downside, I’ve seen couples in therapy who met online but are clearly from worlds that shouldn’t have collided.
One of the cruelest things I hear about the apps is it’s really common to completely cut established connections with people, without any warning or goodbye = ghosting. There’s no way to get around how emotionally triggering that is for just about everyone it happens to.
I’m writing this like a holier-than-thou mental health worker, all full of human compassion which I genuinely feel, but true confession…
I did it once - not on a dating app, but IRL. I was too gutless at the time to tell the person, a friend, face to face that I didn’t think we were good for each other anymore, that they’d done things I didn’t like, and that I wanted out of the friendship
In fairness, I tried to talk about it once but it didn’t go well, so instead of womaning-up to try again or openly opt out, I slammed the shutters down.
Just cutting and running seemed the gentler path at the time, but it was more cruel to both of us in the long run than owning my feelings outright.
People can feel more criticised, rejected and hurt by being ghosted because being silently abandoned tends to flick the turbo switch on our vulnerabilities and self-criticism, sending us into overdrive analysing our imperfections.
On the flip side, I didn’t change my number. She could have texted me but she didn’t. Eventually I got over myself and contacted her to apologise for disappearing, but it was too late. She didn’t respond.
Maybe we ghosted each other in the end. Is that a thing? It could be. Either way, I guess we’re nil all.
If you do the ghosting, like I did that time, you can be left with a bag of guilty feelings and they are such a waste of time and energy.
Guilt is a legal term, but not really an emotion. Like grief, I think guilt in emotional terms describes a complex state that comprises a whole bunch of emotions that circulate and morph. While grief is a useful, albeit an uncomfortable and unavoidable process in life, guilt is not so useful. That brings me to a great reader question…
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Deb Does Therapy to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.