Hello Friends,
Here’s a reader question that came in this week. Thank you to the writer. I hope my answer is useful.
Dear Deb,
I’m annoyed a lot by stressful scary thoughts. My therapist (psychiatrist) told me they’re in the normal range and not to worry because they are only thoughts and they don’t affect my actions. But they still bother me. It’s hard to enjoy things and be happy when you keep having upsetting thoughts that maybe something bad might happen. Any advice?
Hey, I hear you.
Unwanted, unhelpful thoughts are one of the main ways my own brain and body do anxiety - catastrophising basically. For me, anxiety often manifests by besetting me with intrusive thoughts of shitty, (highly unlikely) potentialities, all completely confabulated. They are nuisance thoughts, which arise in the guise of defence no doubt, but feel more like an attack on my peace of mind.
Unfortunately, we don’t control which thoughts arise in us. Fortunately, we can work with that. It’s not a perfect fix, but there are things we can do.
It is not always possible to do away with them, but with persistence and practice, one can gain mastery over them so that they do not take the upper hand.
Stephen Richards
I thin most of us experience intrusive thoughts at times, because they’re a normal part of having a brain. Chances are, most people have largely learned to unconsciously screen them and not take them seriously, perhaps barely noticing them as they quickly pass into background noise.
However, they can be triggering, especially if you are suffering with anxiety, depression, or are otherwise more vulnerable or sensitive than usual. If something already has you tired and low in daily life, you might start to notice intrusive thoughts more.
Sometimes they get in a loop like an annoying radio station, playing the same songs you don’t love, too often.
So, what to do to improve the situation?
The first step is to become very aware of your thoughts, aware of what is happening and how helpful and desired those thoughts are, or are not, in your inner world at this moment. Sounds like you’re already there, but sometimes people get caught up trying to block them out and look the other way. Trying to block out thoughts tends to make you focus on them and think about them more. Getting in a fight with yourself wastes energy. It’s better to stare the thoughts down and get to know them. Be curious about their themes - what are the core anxieties coming through in them?
Take a breath, notice your thoughts and choose to let them go past, like you’re watching cars pass on a highway, knowing that you are more than just your thoughts and feelings in any given moment. You’re not in those cars. You are letting them pass you.
Thoughts are just inner events, not facts. They do not require you to take any action at all. Try smiling at your busy mind with compassion, like you’d smile at a child who needs some help from you when they are afraid.
Ask yourself, “Can any helpful action be taken regarding these worries?”
If the answer is “No” then your response to those ruminations, until something in the situation changes, can be something like:
“No thanks, I can’t change that right now, so that’s enough.”
You don’t have to ‘loop’ with unwanted thoughts. You’re in charge of your attention. Once you know what they are, you can choose to dismiss them compassionately. It’s not the same as running in fear. It’s an empowered choice.
Mindfulness author Dan Millman wrote,
You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.
You are the sole ruler of your inner world and you decide where you wish to direct your attention.
It may help to imagine unhelpful thoughts as pop-up junk ads on the screen of your mind - the kind you barely read if they appear on a website. They’re just boring rubbish on the periphery of your awareness. You can visualize clicking the cross in the top corner, to exit and vanish them, if you like.
Another visualization is to imagine placing your thought on a leaf and watching it float away down a stream until it’s gone from sight. Every unwanted thought lands on a leaf and floats away peacefully as you notice it.
Another great suggestion from mindfulness teacher Dr Russ Harris is to sing scary thoughts to a silly tune like Happy Birthday. It diminishes their power when you make them sound funny, gently sending them up, as toothless and benign. It might even give you a laugh, which helps anxiety dissipate even more.
Never underestimate the power of conscious, smooth breathing to activate your physiological calm response when you feel beset with worries. You might count your breathing - 4 counts to inhale and 8 counts to exhale, to give your mind a break from pursuing thoughts so tenaciously.
Give your mind the breath to focus on, instead of the worries. As thoughts come into your mind, keep returning to watching and counting your breaths, simply telling the thoughts, ‘No thanks’.
Some intensity will drop out of your anxiety by the time you are bored with counting.
Unhelpful patterns of thinking are not always an enemy. Sometimes the fearful voice inside has an excellent point to make, like protecting you from genuine threats. But at other times, if you can’t take mindful, balanced risks or be vulnerable because of fear holding you back, it’s hard to grow.
If you know what you want, you've put in the work and there is no real-world reason to hold back in fear, it may be that anxiety needs to tap out and let the Heroine or Hero-you come forward.
Is there a place where your Heroine/Hero-self is trying to rise for you and all she needs is for you to walk past the voice of fear with a burst of courage?
While stopping certain thoughts from ever coming to mind is rarely possible, you can choose where to place the powerful force of your attention. I want to reiterate, this is not about blocking anything out, but about cultivating your awareness, understanding you are not your thoughts and exercising wise discernment with your attention.
We’ve got this.
Thank you again so much for your very helpful question.
Love to you all,
P.S. Some of this is shared from my book How to Be Your Own Hero
It seems to me that the default position of our neural pathways is 'fight/flight'. Perhaps it goes back to prehistoric times. I always wonder why the brain will preferably send us 'anxiousness/uncertainty' etc., before anything else. I wonder why the default position is not happy, benign, comfortable. Always trying to remember who is driving the bus, me. Riding the wave. Be well, kind lady. x