First Person’s a Charm, What's New This Week and Self-Esteem
Good things, good beings, good love…
I’ve never seriously tried to write fiction in the first person before, at least not in a long piece like a novel. I’ve just completed my first ever full attempt at a fiction manuscript and to tell you the truth, it wasn’t all that. It emerged as way too long, vague in places, the timeline got confusing, and it generally didn’t hit some of the marks I wanted it to hit.
But not a problem, because now my head’s really in the game. I’ve learned from my first attempt and feedback from my editor, then dived back in, slashing, shifting and remodelling.
To strengthen the work and increase the impact and urgency, I’ve gone from a third person perspective to the first person, climbing right into the head of my protagonist. It feels strange, new, but great.
Re-writing my book as the main character, a whole other human, from inside their noggin is pretty challenging. It’s not as simple as changing pronouns - it’s finding a whole voice, a whole person with a past, present and future, an entire way of thinking as a new being.
Speaking of books and writing, I just finished reading Lola in the Mirror by Trent Dalton. What a knock-out book. It hit me harder than a fiction piece has for a while. The compassion and craftsmanship I found in his writing blew me away. I knew Dalton was good, but I didn’t realise how good. The first person voice in Lola is remarkably strong and distinctive. Inspiring.
Yellowface by Rebecca Kuang is another first-person book I’ve recently devoured with gusto and great enjoyment. The narrator of the story, June, presents as the kind of voice we can’t rely on to give us anything but a very biased version of the truth. Such a clever, intriguing piece of work with a brilliant sense of humour.
I’m also enjoying Lying Beside You by Michael Robotham. Again, the first person voices are clear, intriguing, distinctive, engrossing. Needless to say, I’m sold on the first person perspective, the subjectivity, the intimacy, the individual tone. I hope to write something even nearly as good as these books.
Another new-ness for me is a third dog in my house, Mojo, the retired racing greyhound. He is very sweet, although living in a house for him is completely new, so we must work with him intensively on adjusting and learning the ropes.
It can be tiring, but only for a few short weeks until he gets the idea of how to be a house pet. Dogs impress me by how fast they take on new, complex information, learning eagerly and adapting to the ways of humans with warmth and grace.
This morning Mo lay on his mat as I was interviewed on the phone by a writer from the mag Mindfood about self-esteem. We had a good talk about the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem - the latter being much more about our perception of our character and personality; the former being more related to our perceived level of ability or competence in an area.
Of course the two concepts are potentially inter-related. A generally positive self-concept is likely to support having more confidence in our abilities regarding things we want to do. Conversely, achieving successes may help turn around feelings of low self-esteem, or improve a negative self-concept.
Or not.
I got thinking how sometimes people can achieve brilliant things, yet remain mired in low self-esteem, struggling to appreciate their own strengths or fabulousness, even despite accolades from others.
When I was a teenager I had some success as an actor. I had a great deal of confidence about my abilities and competence in the art. I believed I could do the work, and indeed, I could do it, quite well. I did not however, have very high self-esteem generally. That was an entirely different issue, and ran at quite a deficit for me for a long time.
Why was that?
If I break it down - my professional self-confidence grew from receiving positive feedback specifically about my efforts and my skills as a performer. The affirmations came from both personal and professional sources and helped me to believe I could do it, because the proof was in the doing.
So did the lack of self-esteem come from a lack of love?
Not exactly. There was plenty of love in my life, especially from my Mum and my grandparents.
What I didn’t receive was modelling in self-acceptance, self-compassion and unconditional self-kindness. I certainly don’t criticise my family for not delivering on those, because they did their absolute best with what they knew how to do. They were never cruel or abusive, and only as imperfect as the rest of us. They just didn’t really understand the skills of loving.
To form an opinion of ourselves over the developmental stages of our lives as good enough, interesting enough, worthy of positive attention, we need to get a sense of those things from others. Loving involves some awareness and skills - skills many people do not know because they weren’t taught them or shown them. Just being told “I love you” isn’t highly effective without the actions of loving to back those words up and demonstrate their meaning.
Self-esteem comes from feeling heard, feeling seen, being given the message that you are interesting and worthy of others’ time and attention. It comes from feeling like people want to spend time with you, want to know you very well.
It comes from a deep knowing that they approve of you and like you because you exist and you matter not only when you are doing a pleasing behaviour for them, or following instructions.
Competency-based approval and affirmation is fine and useful for learning how to behave, but it isn’t what love is made from. It’s a different animal. Loving is acceptance and being liked for who you are beyond all behaviours.
When we experience love as the gift of those deeper things, we can then form a picture of how to offer that gift to ourselves. That is the foundation of high self-esteem, or a positive self-concept - the gift of being truly accepted regardless of anything rather than judged because of something. It’s the first time I’ve made that distinction quite so clearly.
Love to you.
The theme for today’s piece is apparently the track I streamed the most times on Spotify in the last year, despite it being around 50 years old. Unsurprising that I listened to it a lot since it is one of the greatest songs ever recorded. Enjoy.
As usual you articulate yourself so well, it is not surprising therefore that you are now writing a novel. Draft as many drafts as you need to tell the story that you want. Telling an interesting story is not something just anyone can do, I believe you can Deb. May the universe shine kindly on you at this festive time and going forward. Best, Shelley
Yes, exactly. I would say a degree of healing comes upon the recognition that it was unintentional. Also, through saying those words to them as an adult and finally hearing them in return.