When patients come to therapy, I often hear unhelpful biases in their words, reflecting down-on-themselves stories they’ve got swirling around inside.
Unhelpful, biased thoughts, often based in fears and hurts, rather than facts, can keep us stuck, flattening our mood, tarnishing joy.
Read through these common thinking bugs, adapted from the classic work of psychologist Aaron Beck. Can any of these ways of thinking be discarded from your emotional repertoire?
Black and White Thinking
Rigid thinking that doesn’t allow complexity or subtleties. Ignoring the influence of context and diversity leads to lowered empathy, and limits creativity, compassion, and openness.
E.g., “It’s my way or the highway!”
Was anyone’s relationship with anyone ever improved by believing that shite?
Over-Generalization
Saying 'always' or 'never' when it isn’t accurate feeds a sense of helplessness and limitation. It can entrench unfair, untrue beliefs. Look for the exceptions, points of difference and the nuances of things, and see what they can teach you instead.
E.g., “I’m always getting that wrong. I never get it right!”
Negative Filter
Focusing on faults or negatives in a person or situation, including yourself, drags everyone down and doesn't invite help or solutions to problems.
E.g., “I hate it when…” or “I hate people who…”
Is that important? Do you also express who and what you adore in equal measure?
Mind-Reading
Telling other people what they think or feel usually isn’t appreciated. Conversely, if you expect others to read your mind, instead of telling them openly about how you feel and what you need, it sets everyone up for misunderstandings and disappointments.
E.g., “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you!”
Where is the other person supposed to go from there?
Magnification
Blowing up the bad stuff that happens and not giving anywhere near as much airtime to all the good stuff, is a sure recipe for feeling bad.
Are you giving good and lousy things that happen the same attention?
Should-ing
Deciding you, or someone else should be other than they are makes it difficult to be kind, accepting, and happy.
E.g., “I should feel OK about that. I should be over it.”
Who says?
Perhaps, it’s more supportive to ask instead, ‘What do I need to do to help myself feel better, or move past this?’
Of course the secret to changing unhelpful habits starts with becoming aware of them.
How Do I Notice Unhelpful Thinking in the Moment?
Debugging thinking patterns is all about teaching yourself to become more aware of the contents of your thoughts, preferably in real time.
You can’t easily change what you can’t see or acknowledge. However, once you see habits operating because you are mindful and tuned in to your inner life, you are empowered to make different choices.
Talk to Yourself Like a Good Friend
I find that the simplest way to help and support yourself to make changes in habits of mind is to coach yourself like you would a child or a good friend.
When you notice something unhelpful you’re doing, smile and be pleased, because now you can do something about it.
Think about more helpful, compassionate and less judgmental ways to speak to yourself (and others) so you’re expanding your awareness and range of behaviours to become more healthful.
Growth is an ongoing process. Let warmth of heart be your best guide.