Enjoying diversity, opening ourselves to new experiences whole-heartedly and embracing new and off-the-wall ideas, attitudes and methods are concepts most of us would proclaim as positive, right?
“Love it, of course I’m open, innovative, wanting to grow, always stretching for the fresh, the new, yada yada yada….”
But is that true, or just a cool sounding aspiration?
In my experience, this can be a place where what we want to like and what we actually like don’t match.
I mean is it really true that we love diversity, growth, change and innovation, or do we as humans more typically seek the comfort of the familiar and tend to avoid the challenges, (even feelings of threat and discomfort) that change, difference and diversity often represent?
Throughout life, we ideally develop greater knowledge of ourselves which can mean becoming increasingly devoted to our well-formed preferences. We may hone our habits, likes and dislikes into finely tuned operating procedures that work excellently well for us as the unique individuals we are.
Clearly, that’s a great thing, and a wonderful privilege, if we are able to live as close to our ideals and preferences as possible over time, with effort.
The shadow side of honing what we like and how we want to live can be that we become increasingly stuck on those things, less and less open to anything new, without even realising. Knowing ourselves, what we like and how we like to live, can help us to be more aware, open and accepting of differences in others, understanding that they too have a right to their preferences and ways of life. Or, on the other hand, it can lead us to stridently believe that we know what’s best for ourselves and that therefore, we know what’s best for everyone. It’s one of those potentially entrapping aspects of human nature to be aware of in ourselves.
In my work as a therapist I’m constantly having to check myself for unhelpful judgments, for applying my ideas and preferences to other’s lives, relationships and situations. Constantly, I remind myself to advocate for what helps with the life the patient wants to live. Constantly, I remind myself that rigid, unhelpful and stuck cycles of behaviour and conflict in relationships, tend to have their roots in fear.
For all our claims of loving the new, the fresh and different, wanting to explore the exotic, and embrace change, it is a part of the human condition to be a bit afraid of those things. Knowing that is power.
Knowing that means we can be courageous enough to keep asking ourselves questions, rather than masking our fear with rigidity and being right.
What’s Good Here This Week?
Writing
I’ve been so immersed in my novel writing that I haven’t looked up from the screen very much in my spare times this last fortnight.
Yesterday the latest draft went to my editor. I can honestly say to you, I have temporarily lost perspective on the project and I am thrilled to entrust it to a very talented and wise professional to help me get my perspective back again!
Learning
People are surprising. Every week patients tell me their stories so courageously.
This week I observed that it is incredibly refreshing and rewarding when, instead of defending and deflecting, people just say something like,
“I suspect I am bringing behaviours into my intimate relationships that are from my difficult past. They are not working well for my relationship…I want help to understand and change the impacts of my past on my present life…”
We can do a lot with that to help and heal.
We can do a lot less with all too common defensive statements like,
“It’s not my fault. It’s my way or the highway. It’s their problem, not mine.”
Those statements might be true, but it doesn’t matter if they do not help anyone and only serve to keep you stuck.
Good Questions…
Where, if anywhere, am I rigid in my thinking and behaviours?
Can I identify a possible fear that leads me to be rigid in that way?
Is it helpful, or could I let go, relax it a little?
Love to you,
So many great points here. That shadow side of honing makes me think of when anxiety gets really limiting. You want to avoid what triggers the panic so you stop doing the things that might trigger it and your world gets smaller and smaller and the very idea of doing those things scarier and scarier and the only antidote really is to start exposing yourself to those things again (in small, safe, supported ways).
None of us want our worlds to shrink and yet definitely we tend to allow them to do so if we're not careful. I think that's why the saying about do something that scares you every day resonates with so many people. It's a reminder to keep growing even though growing is hard.
It must feel really good to hand the draft over to fresh eyes. I'm sure it's great.