Deb,
I am out of touch with my family (it is only a small family anyway) because we don’t see eye to eye on some important things. It has become easier not to speak, which is OK most of the time but at Christmas and birthdays it becomes very hard and very sad, being alone. What do you suggest to get through it?
Dear You,
I want to link to this ABC Australia article that has some important links and supportive information for people reading this piece who might need or want more than this article can offer, to get through these challenging holiday periods.
Christmas is a very complicated time for just about everyone, for all sorts of reasons, and for many it’s a not-so-good kind of complicated. The season can be particularly difficult for those spending it alone or away from family whatever the reasons, as you say.
I feel greatly for you. I also know how many other people share your situation of feeling sad at this time. In fact, it’s a pandemic all of its own. Sometimes I wonder if many of the Chrissy traditions are actually all that supportive for us as a society, or more like a hell of a lot of pressure on people. I think plenty of us ask similar questions, and it’s leading to many people abandoning old ways of celebrating the holidays, like abandoning consumer craziness for Bad Santa, where it’s just one present each.
Planning is the best way to get around being alone too much, if you don’t want to be. It’s good to make advance plans to fill the main days with the kinds of things you personally want in them. But sometimes time runs away, and we can end up not liking where we find ourselves on those big festival days.
Loneliness is when you wish someone else was there, and solitude is when you enjoy being alone. I don't always wanna be alone, but I definitely like pockets of solitude to recharge and come back to myself. I think that's so important for everyone.
Jonathan Van Ness
Loneliness can feel so intensely painful, yet life essentially involves solitary times for all of us. On occasion those solitary times fall on difficult days. Can you reframe the situation into a recharge and self-nurture time?
It could also be a time of a little reflection - although not so much you over-do the introspection and get sadder - be careful of that. It’s just that different kinds of lonely call for different kinds of action. Maybe it’s reconnecting with an old friend, maybe it’s joining a group activity you can find, looking for more inspiring work next year, or journaling to connect with your own desires.
To feel more connected, look within, as well as to other beings. Develop your places of flow, immersion in your talents and personal passions. Having solitary pursuits you love where you are content in your own company can make for some of the most satisfying times.
Contact people by phone or text who you’d like to talk with - don’t be afraid to reach out - it’s the season when saying hello and checking in with people you may not see so often is commonplace, and more expected.
Look into what’s open in your local area on the main days - are there some places you can go if you’re wanting to find people to have a chat with? What groups or events are taking place online, in your area of interest?
Plan a watch-a-thon or a read-a-thon all of your own. Plan to exercise and enjoy some delicious food. Organise the emotionally triggering days as best you can to protect yourself and to create a nurturing environment around you.
More of us are thinking outside the traditional square when it comes to the holidays now. I know many people are choosing to celebrate on the days around the 25th of December, rather than emphasizing only one day as so important. For many people Christmas Day is just another day for all sorts of reasons, so there are many normal everyday things happening, especially online.
The online language school where I learn French is running classes throughout the main festive days (this is not an ad - I’m not afflilated in any way) and its live classes are just one of the many ways in which people can connect, learn and even have a laugh across the globe. I might be doing a few classes myself over the break because I’ve got the time, having already celebrated with family. There are a whole lot of free, brief university courses online where you can try learning something fascinating over the summer if you find yourself at a loose end.
I’ve also heard of many Zoom get togethers, because face to face celebrations still aren’t possible for some. Many people get out for a lunch or dinner now on the main days too, not always opting for the old school, family home cook up. Plenty of cafes and restaurants are choosing to open for Christmas, so with a bit of research, you don’t have to stay in on the main days, if you don’t want to.
Most of all, it’s worth remembering that there’s such a lot of shallow hype around the holidays and you really don’t have to buy into it. It’s a good idea to stay off mindless scrolling of socials so that you don’t kid yourself that everyone else is having a better time than you. Chances are, they’re really not. It’s a time when happy faces are often plastered over exhaustion and stressing out, alone or in groups.
So prioritise your self-care and making your time off, if you have it, as gentle and nurturing as you can. I wish you good health and contented times, now and always.
Love to you.
And love to you all. Thank you for being part of Deb Does Therapy.
Another interesting link on the topic x https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/i-just-don-t-feel-like-it-the-victorians-opting-out-of-christmas-stress-20221224-p5c8no.html?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR25gV5HebCpMZ3YMLPz9r68lOB0dbyUqmo5enRLCmIchspye9JfzUs8oaI#Echobox=1671912806