Boring, lukewarm advice

There really are too many 'experts'

Hello everyone,

I hope you’re coping well in this fast and rapidly shifting world spinning us so hard right now. The news increasingly feels like a spooked horse galloping at a barbed-wire fence and it’s essential to remember we can always switch off, drop the distractions, and just go sit, or walk, outside. The natural environment usually helps us to hear ourselves over the noise of everything else.

It’s as important as it ever was, to feel the sun, touch the ground, breath fresh air, and listen to our own inner wisdom, rather than the babble coming at us from so many places. There can be too much information, even about seemingly good things. I’ve mentioned before that I reckon there are way too many experts around these days, all talking at us. It can feel like a lot of pressure!

Writer

Tom Cox

mused recently here on Substack that in the future, everyone will be a life coach, or a life coach-coach, or a trainer of life-coaches, in an infinite sales pyramid.

I laughed out loud at that, because I’d had similar thoughts. The internet is so thick with unsolicited advice telling us how to be better. Most of it’s re-dos of ancient concepts, or someone else’s ideas rebranded and given a fresh coat of lipstick! Self-help and the life-coaching industry has all but eaten itself.

It’s never been more important to listen to our own inner voice, because there is no one-size-fits-all secret to life, no matter who says there is. My two cents worth is to listen to yourself and people who love you first. Then, if you need more or that isn’t working, consider a good therapist, and be choosy. Ideally get some personal recommendations to help you pick a good one.

Good therapy has always been about helping people hear themselves, acknowledge their own highly personal insights, become more aware of their inner dialogue and understand how it is, or isn’t serving them.

On occasion, a good therapist might offer advice, but usually only as a bringing together of what you’ve already pointed at yourself. Therapy should be about guiding you to become your own good friend and expert on yourself, so you trust your decisions and know your motivations better. It shouldn’t be boring, lukewarm general advice, or a lecture on “here’s what you should do”.

Speaking of experts, I’ve been watching Married at First Sight Australia where their experts claim to make the often rather bizarre partner matches. (It’s highly possible of course, that they are not actually the ones choosing who’s paired with who!)

I’m fascinated by reality TV - the combination of the insights it gives us into humans, and the storylines the production spins around the people, to maximise entertainment. It’s reality, moulded into fantasy, then sold back to us as real. It’s Warhol nirvana!

Watching it is sometimes like being at work for me, but without needing, or being able, to actually help anyone. I’ve noticed, with that space to just sit back uninvolved, how clearly basic self-awareness shines through in some participants, but seems glaringly low for others.

Those who can truly hear themselves and remain mindful under pressure, tend to hear what others are trying to say, show greater empathy, more compassion and less defensiveness. And in those qualities lies the propensity for being able to make strong, trusting relationships.

It’s horribly instructive to watch those who answer questions defensively, shut down, or become easily combative over very little. They are seemingly unable to mindfully observe themselves in the moment, unaware or uncaring of how poorly they are treating others, unknowingly making life harder for themselves and everyone else.

We’re constantly showing ourselves what we need to learn, if only we are able to move past our own ego-defences, release the need to be right, and tune in to ourselves. I’m sure some participants have revelations when they watch themselves back on tele, and some don’t.

A long-term reader of my work wrote to me recently with this snippet of self-aware reflection:

The more I come to grips with things that trip me up, the more I realise that other issues are slipping under the radar.

Eg, for me, self-compassion often takes a back seat as I try to earn my place on the planet; being over-busy to avoid facing the underlying anxiety. But I realise that taking it a bit easier on myself, gives a more peaceful stance, from which everything looks a lot more relaxed and welcoming. Then I'm generative again, instead of fearful and needing external approval.

It reminds me that we all need some humility and willingness to keep on learning...

The older I get, the more I agree with this, that self-compassion and self-awareness are really at the foundation of contentment. Not momentary happiness, but a deeper kind of ease with the life we have right here and now.

Love it, and love to you all,

Photo credit: Mitch on Unsplash