Hello Friends,
Here’s a little note I received last week:
Hi Deb,
My boyfriend says I’m an over-thinker. I probably am, but what can I do about it if that’s just me? Is it so bad?
Dear You,
You know I’m going to give a classic psychologist response and say, of course it isn’t bad - You Do You. Adding of course, it is possible that people who tell us we’re ‘over-thinkers’ could just be under-thinkers, right? ; )
But really, there’s no need for criticism in our relationships. Criticism usually doesn’t serve the team well. Celebrate those differences, I say, over and under-thinkers alike!
But to go deeper, get more serious - I super-relate to you as a fellow accused over-thinker.
You don’t say why your boyfriend feels it’s a ‘problem’.
Is it for example, that you are a little indecisive, that you’re more prudent, or move more slowly than he does generally? Or is it you get stuck at the thinking stage of things, and it prevents you from taking action?
Are you someone who likes turning things over and over in your mind, way longer or in more intricate detail than many others seem to?
It may be simply a case of different styles. That is certainly not a problem - unless it is for you.
I personally think about things a lot, for a number of reasons (I've clearly been thinking about this!) - the first being, that I actually enjoy thinking. I like nutting things out, wondering and reflecting about how people work, what stuff means, why things are as they are. I like to be curious, ask questions, especially about art, philosophy, psychology and human nature.
I love it. I guess it can lead to living in my head a bit. So much of life is about finding balance: between action and planning, discipline and hedonism, caution and adventure, leaping in and standing back.
I defend the right to be thoughtful, introspective, reflective. The world might even be a better place if there was more of it, but I guess we have to be conscious of when to call a halt to weighing things up and make decisions, get out there.
Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.
Napoleon Bonaparte
As with everything, there is a shadow side to being a passionate thinker. We may think things over a lot as a defence mechanism, trying to cover all bases, rule out issues before they occur, second-guess and sure things up obsessively. Thinking a lot can be fear-based, and frustrating, because you can never cover-off every variable and guarantee results in life.
If only.
Over-thinking can definitely be an attempt to lessen anxiety, but it can sometimes actually lead to more anxiety instead, because you disappear down a rabbit-hole of possibilities and get lost, infinitely wandering the labyrinth of 'If x, then y, but if a then b…’
It can also lead to being more withdrawn and cerebral than you need to be, caught up in your own mind rather than getting out into the world and connecting with others. That's something to watch out for if you love to sit and think by yourself - make sure there's balance in maintaining your relationships.
Is that what’s bothering your boyfriend? Is he feeling a little ignored when you’re in your mind-palace? Be sure to ask him why your thoughtfulness feels like an issue to him, so you can strike your balances as you wish.
Here’s another interesting perspective on this:
When you’ve had a life of overthinking, you have the same reaction time and time again. Shyness becomes habitual. When you’re put in an unfamiliar situation, all you want to do is retreat and hide by default. You watch but don’t participate. You listen but don’t respond. You read, but rarely comment. You take a photo, but you rarely post. You write, but you rarely publish. All of this is because your overthinking mind cannot stop thinking about how you will be perceived by the outside world.
Joel Annesley
Isn't that an interesting possibility - that living in our own heads may equate to anxiety over how the world perceives us? At some point maybe some of us have felt safer living in our own heads than facing other people and their judgments. I can see how that could be true.
How does that idea sit with you?
Retreat is healthful when done consciously and purposefully, to regroup and rest. But it can lead to neglecting relationships, if we make retreat into our own heads a singular way of life.
There’s a really big difference between being intelligently thoughtful and getting caught in self-defeating spirals of rumination, or hiding away.
It takes mindfulness to combine introspection, reflection and the joys of solitude, with being in the world, trusting yourself to also enjoy the rewards of interdependence.
I suggest looking after your treasured relationships, giving your people the attention they need to feel worthy and loved by you absolutely. But I’d politely decline being told what, and how much you’re allowed to think. Some things belong only to you.
I think you already know the answer to that one :D